One day in yoga class as we were in savasana, my teacher told us, "you're not in here to change who you are, because you're already beautiful, but you're here to become a BETTER version of yourself." Like the many things that my teacher says in class, my heart filled with gratitude, happiness and willingness to open my heart and mind to all the opportunities. It got me excited for the future and motivated to better my life, thoughts, and outlooks towards everything, to even better my own relationship.
This is where I began to love myself and thank my body for staying so strong and stable after all I put it through, all the negative thoughts and being unappreciative. After realizing how much I've done for myself I started to build this confidence and started to see myself in ways I've never imagined or even felt uncomfortable thinking about, like being in a relationship with someone. This concept was so foreign to me just a year ago. I've never been in a legit "you're my boyfriend, I'm your girlfriend" relationship and when I was for the first time, it still was a fake, still a game, it was something I thought I could handle. But with that relationship, I was very insecure with myself and being intimate. It was awkward for me. However, the second time around, I felt like I found myself and started figuring out who I really was. I started to be more myself and not this quiet, stuck in the corner person. For example, when being around my boyfriend's friends, I would laugh and smile and try to have the best time possible. Before, the uncomfortable feelings would control me and I wouldn't laugh or anything.
So, after being myself and being true to myself, I started to find that soft spot for him, my boyfriend, finding ways to trust him, trying to open my heart ONCE AGAIN to another, and all the things I loved about him became greater than any altercations or disagreements we had in the past. Made me want to comfort and protect him because he seemed so fragile at times. He was so willing to be the best he could be and he was determined, but it seemed like everyone was out to get him, to see him fail. It hurt my feelings so much for him because I was there for his weak moments and I could see them hurting him even though he said it didn't bother him.
Sorry guys, I got alittle side tracked, but anyway, the point of the story is that I became less hardened and worried and tapped into MY OWN emotions, not the emotions everyone wanted me to feel. I've been letting everyone run me, so now I'm barely getting to know myself. I'm thinking for myself.
Even though he and i are no more, I didn't degrade myself. I was sad because I wanted he and I to work out so bad but our personalities were on either side of the spectrum it wouldn't have worked out. And even though he and I are over and it ended under bad terms, I still believe in love and that there's someone out there for me, that not all guys are mean and out to hurt me. I still smile when I see couples holding hands and sweetly kiss one another. This isn't the end for me. The tears come and go but I feel it's my spirit just letting out all the disappointment And heartbreak and making room for something bigger and right for me.
I'm glad I got to experience what I experienced with him. It made me less like a door mat and more of a person with a voice. I'm not all the way there, however, I'm much closer to a discovery than ever!
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