I'm going to be the best version of myself that I can be

One day in yoga class as we were in savasana, my teacher told us, "you're not in here to change who you are, because you're already beautiful, but you're here to become a BETTER version of yourself." Like the many things that my teacher says in class, my heart filled with gratitude, happiness and willingness to open my heart and mind to all the opportunities. It got me excited for the future and motivated to better my life, thoughts, and outlooks towards everything, to even better my own relationship.

This is where I began to love myself and thank my body for staying so strong and stable after all I put it through, all the negative thoughts and being unappreciative. After realizing how much I've done for myself I started to build this confidence and started to see myself in ways I've never imagined or even felt uncomfortable thinking about, like being in a relationship with someone. This concept was so foreign to me just a year ago. I've never been in a legit "you're my boyfriend, I'm your girlfriend" relationship and when I was for the first time, it still was a fake, still a game, it was something I thought I could handle. But with that relationship, I was very insecure with myself and being intimate. It was awkward for me. However, the second time around, I felt like I found myself and started figuring out who I really was. I started to be more myself and not this quiet, stuck in the corner person. For example, when being around my boyfriend's friends, I would laugh and smile and try to have the best time possible. Before, the uncomfortable feelings would control me and I wouldn't laugh or anything.
So, after being myself and being true to myself, I started to find that soft spot for him, my boyfriend, finding ways to trust him, trying to open my heart ONCE AGAIN to another, and all the things I loved about him became greater than any altercations or disagreements we had in the past. Made me want to comfort and protect him because he seemed so fragile at times. He was so willing to be the best he could be and he was determined, but it seemed like everyone was out to get him, to see him fail. It hurt my feelings so much for him because I was there for his weak moments and I could see them hurting him even though he said it didn't bother him.

Sorry guys, I got alittle side tracked, but anyway, the point of the story is that I became less hardened and worried and tapped into MY OWN emotions, not the emotions everyone wanted me to feel. I've been letting everyone run me, so now I'm barely getting to know myself. I'm thinking for myself.

Even though he and i are no more, I didn't degrade myself. I was sad because I wanted he and I to work out so bad but our personalities were on either side of the spectrum it wouldn't have worked out. And even though he and I are over and it ended under bad terms, I still believe in love and that there's someone out there for me, that not all guys are mean and out to hurt me. I still smile when I see couples holding hands and sweetly kiss one another. This isn't the end for me. The tears come and go but I feel it's my spirit just letting out all the disappointment And heartbreak and making room for something bigger and right for me.

I'm glad I got to experience what I experienced with him. It made me less like a door mat and more of a person with a voice. I'm not all the way there, however, I'm much closer to a discovery than ever!

Don't trust a kind face

Once again, a rollercoaster of emotions these past couple of weeks have been. My mom went into surgery for a hernia a day after her breast biopsy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a breast biopsy is, doctors jam this tool into the breast to take out the lump to further examine. Sounds very painful. Anyway, so she has her surgery and it goes fine. She spends the night in the intensive care unit just so they can monitor her. Then the next day she's in a regular room. One day I went to see her but when I got there she was asleep. She sounded very weird, almost like she was having a tough time breathing. Her head was alittle slumped forward So I thought that could be the reason for the restricted airway sound. I also tried waking her up and she would open her eyes but then they'd roll back closed. I tried a couple more times, and still the same thing happened. This alarmed me bad. My heart started pounding. I relaxed alittle but still kept my eye on her. Some time goes by and finally a nurse comes in to take her vitals(blood pressure, temperature). The nurse tries to wake up my mom too, there's no response whatsoever. The nurse's faces gets a confused look like something isn't right. She leaves and called some doctors, about 5 of them come running to her room and told me to wait outside. My heart was pounding. There was an instant I couldn't hear anything, just my heart pounding. I called my younger sister, Brooke and she left work to rush to the hospital.

My mom ended up recieving the wrong medicine. The doctor had mixed up two different medicines and gave my mom the strongest out of the two. Completely knocked her out and made her completely incoherent. They had to give her medicine to reverse what they gave her and put her back in the ICU. She explained to me her horrible experience. A week later they let her come home. She's recovering well :) My dad is helping her out tremendously and she's getting plenty of rest. We're all spoiling her haha :)

Through all the chaos and heart wrenching moments, I completed another 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge!!! :D I won't lie, it was so difficult to fit yoga in my schedule. With work, having a boyfriend, and family and friends, I constantly felt pressed for time. I had a lot of anxiety so my shoulders felt like they were to my ears. I've been aching for a shoulder rub for about a month hahaha. However, those 90 minutes in yoga were so peaceful and full of encouragement. I bought more yoga passes only $10 for 10 days woohoo!!! Such a deal :) yoga can be very expensive.