Truth: I feel terrible when I make mistakes

   These past two weeks have been a changing experience. My life stays pretty consistent and change never happens but sometimes I tell myself that I'm open to change, even though when it happens, I don't know how to respond. As most of you know from reading my past blogs, I just got out of a relationship about 5 months ago. It was devastating, however I got over it :). Alittle over two weeks ago, I met this guy who was totally gorgeous, someone I thought would never be interested in me haha he was super tall, nice and fit, look like he had been chizzled by angels, light brown eyes and tattoo. He was beautiful... Well on this particular day, I was feeling very confident and decided to take a risk. I got his number through a mutual friend and we started talking. I honestly thought all he was gonna want was sex because he had past relationship issues but he didn't! He actually liked me for who I was and adored me. He even thought I was too good for him and that I could get better but I thought, "why in the world would I wanna do that??? You're freaking peeeerfect." Now, on as a side note, I never thought about how scarred I was very past relationships, or lack there of but it turns out, I am! Haha I lack communication, I feel like I can't talk to the guy I like for fear that I won't be heard or something will come out wrong or that I will somehow say the wrong thing and mess everything up :/ turns out, i did that for being TOO quiet. This guy wanted alot of communication which i wasn't comfortable enough to give, but he never gave me the opportunity to try and change or help strengthen that weakness. We stopped talking once because he thought i didn't know what i wanted and that i Wasnt that into him... The truth was, was that i was too afraid to be affectionate because on some level i thought he would take it for granted or just be mean to me(I have some dad issues) and i was just really insecure. I ended up trying to get back with him and to prove that i was going to try and give it a shot, a real shot. He accepted my múltiple apologies and we hung out some more. Another day goes by, i lost sleep from staying up with him all night and having to be at work by 7 the next morning so i had slept most of the day at his house. I was rudely woken up by him tellin me that i had to go home because i was playing games with him. He went through my phone saying that some guy kept asking where i was and that i made him think i was at Home. For one, i never touched my phone the whole times i was with him, except to turn off the alarm in the morning. In no way did i disrespect him but he assumed i was. But he portrayed me as this person who plays games and was desperate to drag him along for what reason, i have no idea because not once did i ask him for anything nor to do anything for me, i gained nothing but a gorgeous, smart person in my life. He called me once after that but not to talk but to tell me, "I have this number in my phone and i don't know who it belongs to." i was confused because how do you NOT know who's in your phone??? Then he responds, "oh, i think i know who this is, have a good one, bye." then hangs up! I was hoping he said all to hear my voice or something haha wishful thinking. I realize and acknowlege how far away and distant I was with him... But I'm not a bad or evil person who plays with someone's feelings. I was just unsure how to act with someone who liked me. The only guys i get are guys that like me but then find someone better or just want sex and no relationship, i thought he was just going to screw me over like the rest... I know he'll never probably talk to me again, but this is a lesson learned. This guy was so great, he treated me like I've never been treated, made me feel beautiful and listened to me when I spoke. This guy encouraged me and reminded me of my strengths. I'm still confused about all this but I do know about one thing...I need to Open my heart up, be willing to let someone wonderful change and impact my life. I can't hide because i'm scared of what MIGHT happen. The past is the past for a reason. I need to live in the moment. Never let these wonderful opportunities pass you by, recognize them and take it because you CAN

And in just a split second it was over....

Something terrible happened to a very special person in our family. He was like a brother, an extended part of our lives and the other half to my younger brother, Emilio. His name was Jerry Wilson Jr. He was just 16 and a father, son, and friend. With a smile that could keep you out of the worst mood. He had the dorkiest laugh, but it was his, and he was true to it :). I wasn't as close to him as the rest of my family was because I had moved out of my parent's house so when he would spend the night and hang out when my family had kick-backs, I wasn't there but he made me comfortable to be around him because he was Emilio's best friend and I trusted him.

His heart just stopped suddenly and the paramedics could not save him. It was his time to go, his amount of heart beats was up. It's so hard to believe that he's gone, this kid who was Emilio's escape from life, another home that he could go to when times got rough at our house, a person to hang out with and talk to. My mom tried to comfort him, she told him, "I know how you feel, I lost my best friend too." He replied with tears streaming down his face, "But he wasn't my best friend, he was more than that..." Which, if you knew Emilio and Jerry, they were inseparable. Broke my heart! I could feel his pain and his hurt. I've told him that we'd be there for him no matter what, but it's not the same...

The pain comes in waves so one minutes I'm ok and the next I'm crying. I feel like I see him everywhere and with my little time with Jerry I can only imagine what Emilio is going through. He has tons of memories with him. I love him so much and I think I'm mostly hurting because of him. I want him to be happy and to succeed in life. We didn't have the best childhood and he never had the right father figure to look up to, we grew up in an abusive household, he's still a kid and needs guidance... I hope this experience makes him stronger. He's very distraught right now... I'm praying for him and Jerry's family every night. Please send them happy thoughts.

It's hard to write this... I keep seeing his happy face in my mind. I haven't ever lost someone so close so this is a different experience for me. I'm used to telling people, "He left because it was his time to go... God has a different plan for him..." But when you're in the situation, you're so confused and trying to find a solution for yourself and the right explanation to why his soul was ranked out of his body so soon when he had everything to live for. But this is the circle of life. Living isn't forever, and these things happen. Emilio probably feels so alone right now, so lost and confused. I hurt for him so much right now. Us kids are really close, we've been through a lot together.

With this recent occurrence, I wasn't very happy(of course) and I felt this unbelievable weight on my heart. I felt scared and vulnerable, almost hopeless. This is something I have never felt before, even during my worst depressed days waaaaay back in the day, before I found Yoga :). Some time has passed and I'm feeling more like myself and I must remember to be strong for my brother. He needs us more than ever right now.

We need to APPRECIATE life, OUR lives, and appreciate everything we do, everyone we love, everyone that makes us happy and smile. Let's have fun and try not to waste time worrying about tomorrow and live in the moment. There's beauty out there, amongst the tragic, let's find it, let's find peace in our hearts and accept what's happening, let's try to make it better and ease our pain little by little. Everything will be ok... it just takes time...

I'm sorry that I cannot provide a picture of Jerry, but I can't look at his face right now. I'm not quite strong enough for this yet.....