baby, baby, baby...

I want to start off by saying that this blog is for my self journey, a way for me to learn about myself, hence the name up above :) So whatever I write, that's how I was feeling at that time so obviously I won't take anything back or delete anything. This past month has been such an emotional roller coster, with losing Jerry and finding out that my mom has cancer and that my older sister Summer might also have cancer, I'm about to break down. I was also about to start a relationship which I never thought I would after Oliver. I mentioned about him in a previous blog, we started off pretty rocky mostly because I wouldn't open up. I was letting the past keep me closed and the fear from letting me move on. He actually wanted to be with me, soooo different than what I'm used to! Haha He had big dreams that he was determined to accomplish, he smelled delicious even after a long day, oh how I loved the way he smelled, and his laugh! One of a kind, he knew that :) So tall, with abs that made me melt hahahahaha... Anyway, regardless of how it ended, he was beautiful :)He always knew how to make me laugh, he knew I was terrified of zombies so when we'd be sitting there watching a movie, he would make scary moaning noises and try to bite me, like a zombie! It would scare me but make me laugh so hard! :D I learned alot about people because of him and alot about how a relationship should be, I loved listening to him talk, he always knew what he was saying and it always made sense... We had the potential to be more than just dating, we could have possibly moved in with each other. Then there was a lot of miscommunication between the both of us. I know he'll great things in life, he deserves the best... Everytime I think of him, my heart pounds and I almost want to cry and I wish his arms were around me... I have such an emotional attachment to him. He was mine and I was his... I could talk to him anytime about anything and he'd always listen and he knew a side of me that no one else did. What does this mean?? There were times when I wanted to tell him I loved him... I've never had this heart wrenching feeling.... I don't remember feeling this with even Oliver and I think that was because I knew that we didn't belong together. I don't know what I'm hoping for but I'll tell you what, I'm gonna let this be in the hands of fate. Whatever happens, happens. I wish him the best though :) and all the happiness in the world. With the mistakes I made I'm going to learn from them. But I'm not goin to beat myself up over it or feel sorry for myself because I'm alone. There are worse things that could happen. I could have cancer, be handicapped, have no job and no way to support myself. I LOVE MY LIFE and I LOVE ME :) my time will come. Never give up hope :)

An ill obsession

So, somehow me being a vegetarian came up in the conversation I was having with an aquantance. Now for all of you who don't know, I've been a vegetarian because of the health reasons and animal cruelty. I have been a vegetarian for almost 4 years and I am fully satisfied with my decision :) To get back to my story, we were talking about not eating meat and this person was telling me how it was impossible for them to stop and difficult it must have been. I expressed my passion for being a vegetarian and then they say, "why aren't you skinnier? I mean, even I eat meat and I'm skinnier." my weight has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Since about 6th grade. it's such a touchy subject. For anyone that's really close with me knows how much I obsess about it. I wake up stressing and sometimes I dream I eat too much and then wake up relieved that it was only a dream. I sometimes go days without eating because I just want to see my gut go away. Some people do not think before they speak, I would never tell someone that they gained weight because what if they're like me? What if they don't eat for the next week because of what I said?? When I got back from England in September, someone told me, "wow, you got fat!" I can tell you exactly what I felt: like my heart was up in my throat and my mouth got dry, I could feel my face turning red because I knew he was staring at me... That same day, 2 other people told me I had gained weight. I was devasted. I'm so tired of being judged because I might have gained weight. Oh well! It happens! My dad used to call my mom nasty names about her body all of the time, in front of us kids. He would belittle her and make her feel like nothing which is probably why she is the way she is. She's still strong but I can see all the scares my dad left her. I think on a psychological level I'm worried that the guy I love will throw my flaws at me just so that he could feel good about himself. I never want to feel unattractive to the guy that I spend my life with. I just want to be ok with myself, I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile, I don't want to wake up thinking about it or stress about it throughout the day. Or spend money on weightloss pills hoping to never eat again. I started doing yoga because everyone is so accepting, they love you no matter what, no judgement. I love how you're alone but you're all together :) no one is staring at you up and down trying to figure out "why you are the way you are." I am gonna go to school to be a yoga teacher and I'm also gonna study holistic nutrition so I can properly learn about all this stuff. I want to help all those people who are in my shoes because when you're in this hole, it's hard to hear what people tell you, it's hard to believe someone when they say, "no, you look great! Not big at all!" your mind is your worst enemy, you feel like you're drowning. This is why I look down all the time... Everyone has their insecurities and this is my extreme insecurity. There is so much more to life, I'm missing out by obsessing over this, I'm missing out on opportunities. You only live once.... And I will beat this, just like I beat being inflexible, now I'm like a rubber band :)