come together

    I'm learning a lot with this nutrition class that I'm taking. I'm learning how to feed myself and how to help others as well. I'm so interested in it! I have this huge text book and I want to read it from cover to cover! I just need to find the time hahaha. I've learned that everything has and corresponds to energy. It's amazing! I started gave gratitude before eating and there was such a difference in how I felt afterwards. Your food knows and feels the gratitude and thank you back by nourishing your body :) So beautiful.There's a documentary out called The Secret Message of Water, I think that's the name, and the author talks about how water, even the water in our bodies react to negative and positive words that we speak. So if you're mad at someone, or yell at them, you're really just hurting yourself, all those negative vibrations are going through your body and effecting it. So, i'm practicing being mindful to everyone because even those that are mean, need the extra compassion and positive thoughts. This, I know may be difficult, but practice makes perfect. <3
   My teacher training is going great. I just finished the second part of my training and next step is teaching! Ah! I'm nervous but WAY more confident this time around. And I'm so excited at the same time. I have all these ideas and themes that I can teach, I just need to put it in a sequence and BAM! I got myself a yoga class hahaha
    This past weekend I had a Hynotherapy class which was all weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is my second weekend doing this class which is the 200 hour class and then next will be my 300 hour and then i'll be certified and helping the public! How exciting! I learned a lot in this class as well and the cool part is you learn so much more about yourself. My teacher brought something great to my attention, he said, "there is no failure, just feedback." If we don't do something right then we learn from it and try again, and again and again if we need to. Don't give up. I've felt the need to give up, especially when I didn't teach right the first time, but it was my first experience and I tried again and did even BETTER. Giving up may seem like the way out but it's not. It digs you deeper.
    I saw couple of friends a couple of weeks ago, who I hadn't seen in a long time. I had fun, laughed a lot and caught up. But the one reason I hate to see friends that I haven't seen in along time is that the first thing they tell me is, "wow, you've gained weight." this, I hear constantly. Or, "what have you been eating." I told him that this was me now and that I was growing up (he hadn't seen me since I was about 18, I'm now 20) I was very skinny back then because I hardly ate anything, just fruit every now and then, He responded with, "yeah you have." I just laughed it off and didn't let it bother me and I thought it didn't. I think I just blocked it because yesterday, I just started crying out of no where and criticizing myself. I was in class and it just wasn't the right time. I'm just trying to be ok with this and I'm sabotaging myself for what someone else said. Another thing is, we should really watch out for what we say because we don't know what someone is going through and how they might take our words. BE MINDFUL. I started this cleanse because I wanted to start over and just let my body heal from all the stuff that I've put it through and I wanted more energy. When we eat solid food, out body takes most of our energy to digest our food which is why sometimes if we eat too much at one time, we feel we need a nap.
    At first, this was only my intention, but I will be honest, waaaaaaay back in my mind, it was to lose weight. I did 3 days of this "only liquids" cleanse, today is day 4 and i'm no longer hungry anymore. I'm really trying to fix the way I am. I still have this huge amount of love for life and the people around me, just myself that I'm not giving love to, positive thoughts to, patience. Yesterday after class, I just wanted to talk to someone, someone that would listen, not judge, someone that could connect with and who knew what I was going through. Looking through my contact list, I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel so alone, so contained in this box. And it's so frustrating not being able to do something that I want to. I don't feel comfortable even talking to my family because I feel like it's something they've heard so many times that it's a burden, I guess i can understand. I'm grateful though, to have the courage to share how I feel on here and in someway communicate with people here who might have the same challenges in life and who feel all alone and in a way we can be together and lean on each other when we feel weak. Everything doesn't last forever, the most important thing is that I'm looking for a way to heal myself. I feel like i'm on the right path. I want to travel and be free, free from myself mostly haha and to find myself in this big world. However, my place isn't here...

I'm lookin' up though :) 

Well, I got THAT down, what next??

About a week ago, I was assisting a yoga class, and my teacher let me guide the class through a pose. I had done this already once before and was SO nervous! I even messed up my lefts and rights! I was like, "ok take your right foot, I mean left, oh, I mean right." hahaha I laughed about it later on though. So this time, my teacher asked what pose I wanted to teach and I was going to back out and ask if I could just assist and not teach but something came over me and this burst of confidence appeared and I decided right when he asked, that I was GOING to teach because running away won't help. I need to face this low self esteem issue NOW. I decided to give the previous pose I taught another shot. I was so calm... I mean, at times, for like a second, my heart would start going alittle faster but I took deep breathes and told myself, "You got this. You know the pose and you can teach it." Just like that, I calmed down and before I knew it, my teacher let me assume the seat of the teacher and I taught! It was so smooth! I was hearing my voice echo on the walls of the class and thought, "hey! that's me!! wow! I'm doing this!" I even made alternate suggestions. I taught the Tree pose which requires some balance so I suggested the wall if anyone needed it. I looked around, made sure everyone was alright and actually OBSERVED what I was teaching. Usually I would be so nervous that I'd sound like an automated system! hahaha The teacher is coming out! and the confidence, the peace, this whole other person that I've kept under wraps until now. Someone even came up to me after class and said that I did a great job! I was all smiles.... until I had to come to work.... hahaha but even then, I was convinced that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm taking this seriously. I FEEL every class I take, I'm CHALLENGING my mind and body. I just feel connected. You know how you just LOVE something so much that it might as well be a body part you absolutely need otherwise, you'd be nothing? That's what this brings to me and it brings me such happiness.

The pose I taught, it's harder to teach than it looks! haha :) 

Me, doing Tree Pose, sorry, I had to steal this from my Twitter haha 

I have been observing my thoughts these past couple of days, and just trying to filter through what goes on in there because trust me, my mind is ALWAYS going. I can get so lost in my own mind that I can "disappear" and have to force myself to come back to the NOW. I can literally tune things out, and hear nothing but what's going on in my mind. I'm also working on grounding myself and living in the present, not the past or the future. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but it's like when you're talking to someone and they look so absent minded and then you say, "hello, are you there?? I just asked you a question??" and all they can say is, "Oh! yeah.... what was that again?" hahaha ok, so I'm a really good listener when people talk to me, but this happens to me at the worst times, like when I'm driving! I know! it's terrible. I'm working on it though, promise. Anyway, getting off topic, so like I said before, I've been evaluating my thoughts and so far what I can tell, is I have good thoughts, but not so much towards myself. And this, I've concluded has contributing to my eating disorder. (I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this but hey, this is cleansing, and no one is perfect.) I've been eating more mindfully, ok, except for the chocolate! it's just so gooooood! hahaha I'm taking a nutrition class and so far, I am ECSTATIC! I can't be this inspiring, healthy teacher with an eating disorder. That just does not click with me. I want to be HEALTHY, not obsessed, ashamed or depressed about how I look. You are what you think you are. It's all in the mind. Change the way you think and you change your life. If you wake up and tell yourself, "today is going to be a bad day, I just know it." You're telling your mind and body this, not to mention all the cells, organs and nerves within you. They obey what your mind tells it and guess what, a bad day is what you'll have! I can't keep blaming my dad for my body issues because he would always call my mom horrible names and throw her insecurities in her face when we were younger and I was so worried that that would happen to me, that I would end up with someone who didn't like the way I looked. I am now old enough to know that not all people are the same, not all GUYS are the same. I will find someone who loves me for me :) because I won't accept anything less. I am where I am right now, working through this challenge and winning this battle. I am accepting myself alittle more everyday, becoming comfortable and secure. I still hate to wear fitted shirts and still wear sweaters or cardigans but i'm working on the inside first :) one step at a time. There is a solution out there, I found the door, now i'm looking for the key to unlock it :)

Namaste!! <3

~DJG