So, I've been thinking...

Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and for the longest time, the only way I dealt with my stress, was going to yoga. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I believe that a good way to relieve yourself of burdens is by talking to someone that you can trust. It's not that I couldn't trust anyone, I guess I just didn't want to seem weak but I'm human. Even the strongest of individuals have weaknesses and worries. So, even if I'm unable to SPEAK of my worries, I thought, why not blog and vent on here. Surely what I may not be able to speak, perhaps I can type. I just got done talking to a close and long time friend of mine and we were just venting to each other. I love talking to her because we have very similar problems, especially with our families, and talking to someone is great, but talking to someone who knows exactly how you feel, makes it 10x better.

My longest problem has been money. I know, who hasn't had this issue since the economy plummeted?? I honestly hate to desire more money, but I'm honestly living from pay check to pay check. Sometimes I almost go into a panic attach. It frustrates me that I can't even afford something to drink at work or even afford to go out and watch a movie. I work retail, and even that should be enough said, but it's tough. The stress and having to deal with the worst of people can take a toll on yourself. I want to make something better of myself but even going to school right now scares me so much. I'm worried I won't be able to get enough hours at work to pay rent and other bills because of my school hours. Where is the balance??? And I'm worried that if I do get a new job, will they be as lenient with my schedule? I have seniority at my job right now and they're understanding with school and whatnot. Or am I just not really looking for a new job because I'm comfortable where I'm at right now?

On the other hand, I also have a very interesting job. I work with GREAT people that always make me laugh. And I also meet interesting people. Not all of them are horrible. Even when I do get a horrible customer, I can vent to my co-workers because they know exactly what this is like! I work for a strong company, but we sure as hell don't get paid enough for the stuff we have to deal with. And my bills get paid, I can just never do anything else! Work, home, school, sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again. "I'm living, but I'm not alive." That's what my friend tells me all the time. hahaha and it's the truth! I've been this way since I was 16 but even then it was easier because I was living at home and to be honest, if I could, I would still be living at home. I would be less stressed and have more time and money for ME. For all my young folks that are still at home, stay there as long as you can and save as much as you can. It would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and will be more prepared for the future. Don't get me wrong, I love my independence and the fact that EVERYTHING I have right now, I bought on my own with no help whatsoever, so I almost can't fail because if I do, then my whole life goes up in flames and then I'll lose everything I worked so hard for. I've accomplished alot already, so I shouldn't take things so lightly like I tend to do sometimes. Everything is a process, this is another process that I'm having to go through, however, this has been going on for FOREVER it feels like haha. I guess I'm just waiting for my door, or window to open, but I feel like I'm walking in the dark!

I'm determined to find out where I fit in in this world! I WILL find that door....or window... or whatever is waiting for me! I may be shy but when I get determined, I'll do anything. This is a hard time for me and sure, I get sad and sometimes even deeply depressed because of these situation and family problems that just pull me down but the reality is, this is it. Without the hard times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate and value the good times I have.

Whew! feeling better already! Thanks for reading this! I feel like a weight has already been lifted off my shoulders and my mind is alittle more clear!

until next time,
Namaste a todos :)

What will next year bring??

For starters, plans never go as they should for me haha so I'm just going to sort of set a "tone" for the New Year and build from that! It's more my style, anyway. This coming up year, I am hoping will be much better, however, I think we all are, right? I can't say that this past year was absolutely terrible because a lot of the stuff that has happened is part of growing... I've said to myself that I wish I could be 30 already and have everything figured out, have my career and maybe even a husband but as it is, I am here, 20, and confused! i find clarity and strength at random times but then, something else pops up and then it's back to the drawing board! I always stick with consistency in my life, with pretty much everything....work, daily routine etc. I'm fairly predictable. I always have fear in my mind, always AFRAID to advance or always AFRAID of change. This annoys me but I am nurturing this aspect of myself and teaching myself that it's ok to let go... I am getting ready to move to another apartment and hopefully with a new environment and new slate, I can unlock another blockage that crowds my mind. This year I want to experience something new, but for reals this time. I always say this and it never happens. A commitment forever on hold haha c'mon, I know everyone has them! Maybe get a new job, step out of my comfort zone, start to love and appreciate myself instead of looking for others to see the beauty in me, start to truly depend on myself in every way instead of hoping my parents will change and actually treat all of us equally. Time is precious! I don't want to waste it! and my time is going by fast!

Before I know it, I'll be a yoga instructor! I don't have very much to go! This excites me then again I am soooooo very nervous! I know about yoga, not everything but the basics and I could talk about it all day! But when it comes to teaching people, I freeze and all knowledge goes out the window. This semester that just ended I was put in a group with two other classmates and we were assigned a yoga history element. We had to research it and then present it. I'm not a huge fan of doing group projects because my schedule is all over the place and to meet up would be next to impossible. But when I would think about standing in front of everyone, I would kind of panic, kind of. There is just something that was holding me back: FEAR! of course... I was scared that I would forget what I was talking about, stumble or maybe trip, of sounding too boring, or if they were looking at my colorful socks instead of listening to me. I was honestly just over thinking everything. We ended up getting everything finished and when I was standing in front of everyone, I  would look up and see everyone... this felt invigorating, I don't know if it was the energy from everyone or what but I felt how it would be teaching, with everyone's attention. I want to be inspiring to my students.... I have some amazing teachers and even the teachers that I have in this teacher training are so awesome! They "wow" me and inspire me to be the best that I can be and I hope to one day get to that level of comfortable knowledge. Of course I will always want to continue to learn but I want to get to that point where I can answer questions and be sure of them. So, another thing to add to the list is CONFIDENCE. If I'm not confident, how is anyone going to trust my class? or even themselves IN my class?? You're right, they won't.

Work is consuming every part of me and I feel like I'm getting no where... but it's not true, because everyday something interesting happens and I find that stern, confident person inside of me. Since I work in retail, I built that confidence over the years. But I need to make this promise to myself  TODAY, that I will do something that's for me everyday. Whether that be reading, drawing, turning off my phone and having silence, anything that helps me recharge. because I can't be this worn out this early in life, can I? Well, I guess anything is possible... I'll tell you what, I'm not having too much fun. But I'm finding the little things that DO make me happy and that do make the work worth all the trouble. I have to do what I have to do. I find relief and "light" with yoga, I truly do. So that's where I'll start. I'm signing off, talk to you all later!

Light and love, Drew