I don't really know what to call this one

You know, when I started doing yoga, I thought it was strictly a physical exercise, never did I ever think there was something spiritual or really anything relaxing about it. But here I am today, learning all these forms of relaxations and trying to find something to believe in, even if it's myself. 

Everyone has there own reason for doing yoga, whether it be to be less stressed, for silence, for reflection or exercise and sometimes, all the above. We all make our own intentions. When I decided to do yoga for the first time, I'll be honest, it was to lose weight. As time went by and I discovered this whole other world, this whole other attitude, this whole other PERSON in me. I had uncovered another part of myself which has always been apart of me from the beginning. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and still very young but you know what I mean haha. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't discovered yoga and it scares me to think what I would have done if I hadn't decided to join the Fit Club in high school. I was just very sad before. 

I'm very grateful that I decided to take my love for yoga to another level and do a teacher training program where I'm on the second level, the part where I assist teachers during classes. I did my first assist today and I was so nervous! I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or push them to there limit. I know what i'm doing and I've taken many yoga classes before so I know what to look for and what adjustments to make it's just that my MIND makes me think otherwise and I second guess myself. I'm gentle and not very persistent anyway so I thought I did a good job for it being my first time and I didn't have any bad feedback from the teacher so as far as I know, I did a good job and I'm excited to assist another class tomorrow! 

Sometimes I wish I was this fearless person who doesn't think twice and could just DO IT! Like some of the other wonderful women and men that I know. But maybe this is me, maybe I'm just this shy, quiet, stand in the back and observe kind of girl. Sometimes I'm ok with this and sometimes it just frustrates me. I love how I am and I think if I were any other way, it wouldn't be ME. But there's a voice inside me, it's there, I know it is. When will it come out? Is it ME that's keeping it shoved inside because I'm AFRAID? Afraid of what other people might think? Afraid of what might come out? I have no idea. However, another concept I'm taking out of this teacher training is to get to know myself better and to have a better relationship with myself because i'm constantly fighting myself. Everyday it's something. Lately I've been able to cultivate a smile, a real smile, not just a cover up and it made me think that the extensive work that I'm putting into myself is working and that I'm starting to find a balance, especially with all the negative stuff that I put myself through. "Even when there are all these negative things going on around you, try to find even a little bit of peace, and hold on to it." :) I've stuck with this for a very long time and so far, it's helped me.

I'm just struggling trying to find my voice. I'm not going to push it because maybe one day I'll just be fed up and who knows, it might be the time I SPEAK up and I won't feel like I need anyone's permission to do something, I'll just be FEARLESS and do it! And I don't mean that I feel like I'm depending on everyone to make my decisions because I am independent, but I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I am a COMPLETE push over. I always back down, like I said before, I never SPEAK UP. Always worried I'll hurt someone's feelings or they'll be mad at me because of a decision I decided to make for MYSELF. ALWAYS putting EVERYONE before myself and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be happy and stop living with worry. It's so emotionally exhausting, it's so exhausting that I'm crying while typing this, all these emotions are just coming out. I just want to live for myself . I NEED to. I can't go on like this any longer. Send me all your loving energy, please. I would just love to feel the support for once... If you did happen read all this, thank you for letting me express myself in the only way I really feel comfortable.... Until next time.

light and LOVE 

Drew 

My First Teaching Experience

In my yoga teacher training, I am in the second level where we actually assist a yoga teacher in a class. In the first level, we only observed a class. So today, we were put into groups of three: there was the observer, the student and the teacher. We each got ten minutes to teach, observe and be the student. Now, when my teacher told us that we would have the opportunity to teach our classmates, I froze... I kind of have stage fright, so teaching wasn't really an option when I was younger. When I'm put on the spot, this is what happens to me, every sound quiets in the room, I can hear my heart pounding through my ears and my throat all of the sudden becomes dry. I then feel discouraged and want to hide. Then, my mind goes blank and everything that I have ever learned, suddenly goes missing. I guess I just feel, or fear that I will be judged and not taken seriously. I calmed myself down and just took it one step at a time...

When I was telling and trying to describe the poses to my classmate,(we had to teach a sun salutation which is approximately twelve poses for just one sun salutation) I kept stumbling through my words and then I couldn't describe how to transition from one pose to the next. The point of the exercise was to try to find our voice and to properly and clearly describe how to do the pose because a beginner will be very confused and we need to talk them through it. The hard part was that we were only aloud to talk, we couldn't do the poses as we spoke. I know this would make it easier, but when I become a teacher, I have to be the teacher as well as the observer so doing the poses would distract me from observing.

I didn't have a very hard time but I felt discouraged... and almost like I couldn't do it... I moved through the poses as smoothly as I could. I also think that I am VERY overcritical of myself and I am so harsh to myself that anything I do, isn't good enough. I fear failure so I have to do it perfect the first time, otherwise it's over. This isn't being true to myself. I need to take it one step at a time because practice makes perfect. I need to realize and remember that EVERYONE is different. I just can't wait to find my own unique voice during this journey and finding out what kind of teacher I will be. I know I can do this. I just need to step out of my comfort zone to find myself. I love going to class because it takes me out of my realm and into a new world, a world that I love and appreciate so much. I'm glad to have been brought here and guided by these wonderful mentors I have as teachers. My time will come. I just need to find my VOICE! :)

Light and love,

Drew