YTT, Hockey, and much love!

Let's see, since my last post(I know it's been so long, I have no internet right now so, I can only post when I get the opportunity to) many events have happened. I graduated from my 200hr Yoga Teacher Training so now I am able to work as a yoga instructor! How exciting!!!

Here is my lovely class! It's so amazing how close we grew :) 

more about these wonderful people later 

I still have some issues with confidence and my teaching but I know it's in me to do it. I just need to find that groove and just go with it! :) As frustrating as it is, I know I'll get there in time, when it's right for me. During our last class we each got to share a reflection of our experience with this Yoga Teacher Training. At first, I had no idea what I was going to say but then I realized that no matter what I said, everyone would be understanding. So, I shared that I had been going through depression for the past few years and coming to this class has made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there were days when I didn't want to come to class but that when I did, they brought me back to life. They made me feel and experience the happy part of myself and it was such a weight off my shoulder, that even for three hours, two nights a week, I could relax. It was the energy of these individuals. They know the vulnerable side of me and I felt secure among them and like I was apart of something wonderful. I was very, very scared to share something that personal to SO many people but they aren't just ANYBODY, I shared time and space with them for six months and that means something to me, it means that they're close enough to me to know something that personal, they held me up and supported me when I felt I couldn't. I love them so much and hope the best for them! I hope we don't lose contact and continue to share the love. 

This is from one of our outings :) We went to this bar to celebrate and we were all

dressed in our yoga clothes hahaha it was so much fun! 

From left to right: Jaime, who's cut off in this picture, she's so funny and I love her voice! it's so calming. She's helped me uncover alittle more of my confidence and encourages me.

Staci, with her amazing smile, who has been with me since our orientation about two weeks or something like that before class even started. She always makes me smile and makes me feel so welcome. Her energy is amazing and she has the cutest Texas accent! 

Serena, who is so wise! and looks 20 years younger than her actual age! she looks amazing! We share a special connection :) 

Nicole, she's hilarious! i love her laugh! and she's so authentic. She's helped me learn to not be afraid to say how I feel and just be ME.

Allicia, I didn't think she liked me in the beginning haha but recently we've really came out of our shells and are more acquainted. She has great style and is a very strong person. You would be shocked to know her age as well. We all didn't believe her haha! 

Annie, so down to earth! and always greeted me with such exuberant energy, I hope to embody her enthusiasm. 

AND, Travis, he's so... what's the word....? FREE. and his hair looks amazing hahaha He recently just decided to quit his job, just like THAT. He inspires me so much and has given me so much advice and support. 

Travis was proud of this picture hahaha 

I've gravitated towards this group (there are a few who weren't in this picture) I thought I would say something about them just to show how much I appreciate them and what they have done for me. And this goes for ALL my yoga peeps! I have learned from all of them. My angels :) I've learned that living with depression, you need to go out, be around great company, laugh and have fun! and just let everything go. They helped me do that. Laughter is the greatest medicine, and I truly believe that. 

I am also going to go see a doctor because I think it's alittle more than I can try and fix, I need more concrete answers to what's going on. I was against seeing a doctor because I was worried I would be addicted to medication but someone very special to me, a mentor of mine, Stuart, helped me put perspective on the idea that I need SPACE to help me deal and evaluate my depression. I can't fight depression while being depressed. My mind was so opened after my conversation with him. 

I got the courage to reach out to one person before this, this person brought me hope and HUGGED me and told me everything would be ok. She's my star who never gave up offering her help and continuously asks me how I am doing. 

I only shared this with my best friend, Angelica and my mom, they were the only people in my life who knew how severe it was. I didn't want to make a scene and tell everyone because I didn't want to bring anyone down with me or become a burden. I now know that SHARING how you feel with the people closest to you is very important for recovery. Holding things in will not help you, but will make you sink. 

Move your body, dance like a CRAZY person if it makes you feel good :) 

If you have a dance party, invite me! I'll be there! they are SO much fun haha 

Get some sun, the greatest, all natural type of medicine. 

I'll be posting some yoga poses that have helped me feel better when I'm feeling really down and I hope it helps someone out there :) 

I also attended my first Hockey game!!! it was the best thing ever! 

A fight broke out!!! hahaha Silly 

We got amazing seats 

Unfortunately, my Coyotes lost this game :( 

Lastly, I got a new kitty :) I named her Leila (LEE-la) She's such a cuddle bug and I love her haha my friends call me the cat lady. 

Thank you for letting my share my story, well, ANOTHER part of my story haha. Hold space in your heart for others who need it. Hug them as much as possible and comfort them. From my heart to yours.... <3  

~Drew 

come together

    I'm learning a lot with this nutrition class that I'm taking. I'm learning how to feed myself and how to help others as well. I'm so interested in it! I have this huge text book and I want to read it from cover to cover! I just need to find the time hahaha. I've learned that everything has and corresponds to energy. It's amazing! I started gave gratitude before eating and there was such a difference in how I felt afterwards. Your food knows and feels the gratitude and thank you back by nourishing your body :) So beautiful.There's a documentary out called The Secret Message of Water, I think that's the name, and the author talks about how water, even the water in our bodies react to negative and positive words that we speak. So if you're mad at someone, or yell at them, you're really just hurting yourself, all those negative vibrations are going through your body and effecting it. So, i'm practicing being mindful to everyone because even those that are mean, need the extra compassion and positive thoughts. This, I know may be difficult, but practice makes perfect. <3
   My teacher training is going great. I just finished the second part of my training and next step is teaching! Ah! I'm nervous but WAY more confident this time around. And I'm so excited at the same time. I have all these ideas and themes that I can teach, I just need to put it in a sequence and BAM! I got myself a yoga class hahaha
    This past weekend I had a Hynotherapy class which was all weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is my second weekend doing this class which is the 200 hour class and then next will be my 300 hour and then i'll be certified and helping the public! How exciting! I learned a lot in this class as well and the cool part is you learn so much more about yourself. My teacher brought something great to my attention, he said, "there is no failure, just feedback." If we don't do something right then we learn from it and try again, and again and again if we need to. Don't give up. I've felt the need to give up, especially when I didn't teach right the first time, but it was my first experience and I tried again and did even BETTER. Giving up may seem like the way out but it's not. It digs you deeper.
    I saw couple of friends a couple of weeks ago, who I hadn't seen in a long time. I had fun, laughed a lot and caught up. But the one reason I hate to see friends that I haven't seen in along time is that the first thing they tell me is, "wow, you've gained weight." this, I hear constantly. Or, "what have you been eating." I told him that this was me now and that I was growing up (he hadn't seen me since I was about 18, I'm now 20) I was very skinny back then because I hardly ate anything, just fruit every now and then, He responded with, "yeah you have." I just laughed it off and didn't let it bother me and I thought it didn't. I think I just blocked it because yesterday, I just started crying out of no where and criticizing myself. I was in class and it just wasn't the right time. I'm just trying to be ok with this and I'm sabotaging myself for what someone else said. Another thing is, we should really watch out for what we say because we don't know what someone is going through and how they might take our words. BE MINDFUL. I started this cleanse because I wanted to start over and just let my body heal from all the stuff that I've put it through and I wanted more energy. When we eat solid food, out body takes most of our energy to digest our food which is why sometimes if we eat too much at one time, we feel we need a nap.
    At first, this was only my intention, but I will be honest, waaaaaaay back in my mind, it was to lose weight. I did 3 days of this "only liquids" cleanse, today is day 4 and i'm no longer hungry anymore. I'm really trying to fix the way I am. I still have this huge amount of love for life and the people around me, just myself that I'm not giving love to, positive thoughts to, patience. Yesterday after class, I just wanted to talk to someone, someone that would listen, not judge, someone that could connect with and who knew what I was going through. Looking through my contact list, I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel so alone, so contained in this box. And it's so frustrating not being able to do something that I want to. I don't feel comfortable even talking to my family because I feel like it's something they've heard so many times that it's a burden, I guess i can understand. I'm grateful though, to have the courage to share how I feel on here and in someway communicate with people here who might have the same challenges in life and who feel all alone and in a way we can be together and lean on each other when we feel weak. Everything doesn't last forever, the most important thing is that I'm looking for a way to heal myself. I feel like i'm on the right path. I want to travel and be free, free from myself mostly haha and to find myself in this big world. However, my place isn't here...

I'm lookin' up though :) 

Well, I got THAT down, what next??

About a week ago, I was assisting a yoga class, and my teacher let me guide the class through a pose. I had done this already once before and was SO nervous! I even messed up my lefts and rights! I was like, "ok take your right foot, I mean left, oh, I mean right." hahaha I laughed about it later on though. So this time, my teacher asked what pose I wanted to teach and I was going to back out and ask if I could just assist and not teach but something came over me and this burst of confidence appeared and I decided right when he asked, that I was GOING to teach because running away won't help. I need to face this low self esteem issue NOW. I decided to give the previous pose I taught another shot. I was so calm... I mean, at times, for like a second, my heart would start going alittle faster but I took deep breathes and told myself, "You got this. You know the pose and you can teach it." Just like that, I calmed down and before I knew it, my teacher let me assume the seat of the teacher and I taught! It was so smooth! I was hearing my voice echo on the walls of the class and thought, "hey! that's me!! wow! I'm doing this!" I even made alternate suggestions. I taught the Tree pose which requires some balance so I suggested the wall if anyone needed it. I looked around, made sure everyone was alright and actually OBSERVED what I was teaching. Usually I would be so nervous that I'd sound like an automated system! hahaha The teacher is coming out! and the confidence, the peace, this whole other person that I've kept under wraps until now. Someone even came up to me after class and said that I did a great job! I was all smiles.... until I had to come to work.... hahaha but even then, I was convinced that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm taking this seriously. I FEEL every class I take, I'm CHALLENGING my mind and body. I just feel connected. You know how you just LOVE something so much that it might as well be a body part you absolutely need otherwise, you'd be nothing? That's what this brings to me and it brings me such happiness.

The pose I taught, it's harder to teach than it looks! haha :) 

Me, doing Tree Pose, sorry, I had to steal this from my Twitter haha 

I have been observing my thoughts these past couple of days, and just trying to filter through what goes on in there because trust me, my mind is ALWAYS going. I can get so lost in my own mind that I can "disappear" and have to force myself to come back to the NOW. I can literally tune things out, and hear nothing but what's going on in my mind. I'm also working on grounding myself and living in the present, not the past or the future. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but it's like when you're talking to someone and they look so absent minded and then you say, "hello, are you there?? I just asked you a question??" and all they can say is, "Oh! yeah.... what was that again?" hahaha ok, so I'm a really good listener when people talk to me, but this happens to me at the worst times, like when I'm driving! I know! it's terrible. I'm working on it though, promise. Anyway, getting off topic, so like I said before, I've been evaluating my thoughts and so far what I can tell, is I have good thoughts, but not so much towards myself. And this, I've concluded has contributing to my eating disorder. (I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this but hey, this is cleansing, and no one is perfect.) I've been eating more mindfully, ok, except for the chocolate! it's just so gooooood! hahaha I'm taking a nutrition class and so far, I am ECSTATIC! I can't be this inspiring, healthy teacher with an eating disorder. That just does not click with me. I want to be HEALTHY, not obsessed, ashamed or depressed about how I look. You are what you think you are. It's all in the mind. Change the way you think and you change your life. If you wake up and tell yourself, "today is going to be a bad day, I just know it." You're telling your mind and body this, not to mention all the cells, organs and nerves within you. They obey what your mind tells it and guess what, a bad day is what you'll have! I can't keep blaming my dad for my body issues because he would always call my mom horrible names and throw her insecurities in her face when we were younger and I was so worried that that would happen to me, that I would end up with someone who didn't like the way I looked. I am now old enough to know that not all people are the same, not all GUYS are the same. I will find someone who loves me for me :) because I won't accept anything less. I am where I am right now, working through this challenge and winning this battle. I am accepting myself alittle more everyday, becoming comfortable and secure. I still hate to wear fitted shirts and still wear sweaters or cardigans but i'm working on the inside first :) one step at a time. There is a solution out there, I found the door, now i'm looking for the key to unlock it :)

Namaste!! <3

~DJG

I don't really know what to call this one

You know, when I started doing yoga, I thought it was strictly a physical exercise, never did I ever think there was something spiritual or really anything relaxing about it. But here I am today, learning all these forms of relaxations and trying to find something to believe in, even if it's myself. 

Everyone has there own reason for doing yoga, whether it be to be less stressed, for silence, for reflection or exercise and sometimes, all the above. We all make our own intentions. When I decided to do yoga for the first time, I'll be honest, it was to lose weight. As time went by and I discovered this whole other world, this whole other attitude, this whole other PERSON in me. I had uncovered another part of myself which has always been apart of me from the beginning. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and still very young but you know what I mean haha. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't discovered yoga and it scares me to think what I would have done if I hadn't decided to join the Fit Club in high school. I was just very sad before. 

I'm very grateful that I decided to take my love for yoga to another level and do a teacher training program where I'm on the second level, the part where I assist teachers during classes. I did my first assist today and I was so nervous! I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or push them to there limit. I know what i'm doing and I've taken many yoga classes before so I know what to look for and what adjustments to make it's just that my MIND makes me think otherwise and I second guess myself. I'm gentle and not very persistent anyway so I thought I did a good job for it being my first time and I didn't have any bad feedback from the teacher so as far as I know, I did a good job and I'm excited to assist another class tomorrow! 

Sometimes I wish I was this fearless person who doesn't think twice and could just DO IT! Like some of the other wonderful women and men that I know. But maybe this is me, maybe I'm just this shy, quiet, stand in the back and observe kind of girl. Sometimes I'm ok with this and sometimes it just frustrates me. I love how I am and I think if I were any other way, it wouldn't be ME. But there's a voice inside me, it's there, I know it is. When will it come out? Is it ME that's keeping it shoved inside because I'm AFRAID? Afraid of what other people might think? Afraid of what might come out? I have no idea. However, another concept I'm taking out of this teacher training is to get to know myself better and to have a better relationship with myself because i'm constantly fighting myself. Everyday it's something. Lately I've been able to cultivate a smile, a real smile, not just a cover up and it made me think that the extensive work that I'm putting into myself is working and that I'm starting to find a balance, especially with all the negative stuff that I put myself through. "Even when there are all these negative things going on around you, try to find even a little bit of peace, and hold on to it." :) I've stuck with this for a very long time and so far, it's helped me.

I'm just struggling trying to find my voice. I'm not going to push it because maybe one day I'll just be fed up and who knows, it might be the time I SPEAK up and I won't feel like I need anyone's permission to do something, I'll just be FEARLESS and do it! And I don't mean that I feel like I'm depending on everyone to make my decisions because I am independent, but I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I am a COMPLETE push over. I always back down, like I said before, I never SPEAK UP. Always worried I'll hurt someone's feelings or they'll be mad at me because of a decision I decided to make for MYSELF. ALWAYS putting EVERYONE before myself and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be happy and stop living with worry. It's so emotionally exhausting, it's so exhausting that I'm crying while typing this, all these emotions are just coming out. I just want to live for myself . I NEED to. I can't go on like this any longer. Send me all your loving energy, please. I would just love to feel the support for once... If you did happen read all this, thank you for letting me express myself in the only way I really feel comfortable.... Until next time.

light and LOVE 

Drew 

My First Teaching Experience

In my yoga teacher training, I am in the second level where we actually assist a yoga teacher in a class. In the first level, we only observed a class. So today, we were put into groups of three: there was the observer, the student and the teacher. We each got ten minutes to teach, observe and be the student. Now, when my teacher told us that we would have the opportunity to teach our classmates, I froze... I kind of have stage fright, so teaching wasn't really an option when I was younger. When I'm put on the spot, this is what happens to me, every sound quiets in the room, I can hear my heart pounding through my ears and my throat all of the sudden becomes dry. I then feel discouraged and want to hide. Then, my mind goes blank and everything that I have ever learned, suddenly goes missing. I guess I just feel, or fear that I will be judged and not taken seriously. I calmed myself down and just took it one step at a time...

When I was telling and trying to describe the poses to my classmate,(we had to teach a sun salutation which is approximately twelve poses for just one sun salutation) I kept stumbling through my words and then I couldn't describe how to transition from one pose to the next. The point of the exercise was to try to find our voice and to properly and clearly describe how to do the pose because a beginner will be very confused and we need to talk them through it. The hard part was that we were only aloud to talk, we couldn't do the poses as we spoke. I know this would make it easier, but when I become a teacher, I have to be the teacher as well as the observer so doing the poses would distract me from observing.

I didn't have a very hard time but I felt discouraged... and almost like I couldn't do it... I moved through the poses as smoothly as I could. I also think that I am VERY overcritical of myself and I am so harsh to myself that anything I do, isn't good enough. I fear failure so I have to do it perfect the first time, otherwise it's over. This isn't being true to myself. I need to take it one step at a time because practice makes perfect. I need to realize and remember that EVERYONE is different. I just can't wait to find my own unique voice during this journey and finding out what kind of teacher I will be. I know I can do this. I just need to step out of my comfort zone to find myself. I love going to class because it takes me out of my realm and into a new world, a world that I love and appreciate so much. I'm glad to have been brought here and guided by these wonderful mentors I have as teachers. My time will come. I just need to find my VOICE! :)

Light and love,

Drew

So, I've been thinking...

Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and for the longest time, the only way I dealt with my stress, was going to yoga. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I believe that a good way to relieve yourself of burdens is by talking to someone that you can trust. It's not that I couldn't trust anyone, I guess I just didn't want to seem weak but I'm human. Even the strongest of individuals have weaknesses and worries. So, even if I'm unable to SPEAK of my worries, I thought, why not blog and vent on here. Surely what I may not be able to speak, perhaps I can type. I just got done talking to a close and long time friend of mine and we were just venting to each other. I love talking to her because we have very similar problems, especially with our families, and talking to someone is great, but talking to someone who knows exactly how you feel, makes it 10x better.

My longest problem has been money. I know, who hasn't had this issue since the economy plummeted?? I honestly hate to desire more money, but I'm honestly living from pay check to pay check. Sometimes I almost go into a panic attach. It frustrates me that I can't even afford something to drink at work or even afford to go out and watch a movie. I work retail, and even that should be enough said, but it's tough. The stress and having to deal with the worst of people can take a toll on yourself. I want to make something better of myself but even going to school right now scares me so much. I'm worried I won't be able to get enough hours at work to pay rent and other bills because of my school hours. Where is the balance??? And I'm worried that if I do get a new job, will they be as lenient with my schedule? I have seniority at my job right now and they're understanding with school and whatnot. Or am I just not really looking for a new job because I'm comfortable where I'm at right now?

On the other hand, I also have a very interesting job. I work with GREAT people that always make me laugh. And I also meet interesting people. Not all of them are horrible. Even when I do get a horrible customer, I can vent to my co-workers because they know exactly what this is like! I work for a strong company, but we sure as hell don't get paid enough for the stuff we have to deal with. And my bills get paid, I can just never do anything else! Work, home, school, sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again. "I'm living, but I'm not alive." That's what my friend tells me all the time. hahaha and it's the truth! I've been this way since I was 16 but even then it was easier because I was living at home and to be honest, if I could, I would still be living at home. I would be less stressed and have more time and money for ME. For all my young folks that are still at home, stay there as long as you can and save as much as you can. It would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and will be more prepared for the future. Don't get me wrong, I love my independence and the fact that EVERYTHING I have right now, I bought on my own with no help whatsoever, so I almost can't fail because if I do, then my whole life goes up in flames and then I'll lose everything I worked so hard for. I've accomplished alot already, so I shouldn't take things so lightly like I tend to do sometimes. Everything is a process, this is another process that I'm having to go through, however, this has been going on for FOREVER it feels like haha. I guess I'm just waiting for my door, or window to open, but I feel like I'm walking in the dark!

I'm determined to find out where I fit in in this world! I WILL find that door....or window... or whatever is waiting for me! I may be shy but when I get determined, I'll do anything. This is a hard time for me and sure, I get sad and sometimes even deeply depressed because of these situation and family problems that just pull me down but the reality is, this is it. Without the hard times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate and value the good times I have.

Whew! feeling better already! Thanks for reading this! I feel like a weight has already been lifted off my shoulders and my mind is alittle more clear!

until next time,
Namaste a todos :)

What will next year bring??

For starters, plans never go as they should for me haha so I'm just going to sort of set a "tone" for the New Year and build from that! It's more my style, anyway. This coming up year, I am hoping will be much better, however, I think we all are, right? I can't say that this past year was absolutely terrible because a lot of the stuff that has happened is part of growing... I've said to myself that I wish I could be 30 already and have everything figured out, have my career and maybe even a husband but as it is, I am here, 20, and confused! i find clarity and strength at random times but then, something else pops up and then it's back to the drawing board! I always stick with consistency in my life, with pretty much everything....work, daily routine etc. I'm fairly predictable. I always have fear in my mind, always AFRAID to advance or always AFRAID of change. This annoys me but I am nurturing this aspect of myself and teaching myself that it's ok to let go... I am getting ready to move to another apartment and hopefully with a new environment and new slate, I can unlock another blockage that crowds my mind. This year I want to experience something new, but for reals this time. I always say this and it never happens. A commitment forever on hold haha c'mon, I know everyone has them! Maybe get a new job, step out of my comfort zone, start to love and appreciate myself instead of looking for others to see the beauty in me, start to truly depend on myself in every way instead of hoping my parents will change and actually treat all of us equally. Time is precious! I don't want to waste it! and my time is going by fast!

Before I know it, I'll be a yoga instructor! I don't have very much to go! This excites me then again I am soooooo very nervous! I know about yoga, not everything but the basics and I could talk about it all day! But when it comes to teaching people, I freeze and all knowledge goes out the window. This semester that just ended I was put in a group with two other classmates and we were assigned a yoga history element. We had to research it and then present it. I'm not a huge fan of doing group projects because my schedule is all over the place and to meet up would be next to impossible. But when I would think about standing in front of everyone, I would kind of panic, kind of. There is just something that was holding me back: FEAR! of course... I was scared that I would forget what I was talking about, stumble or maybe trip, of sounding too boring, or if they were looking at my colorful socks instead of listening to me. I was honestly just over thinking everything. We ended up getting everything finished and when I was standing in front of everyone, I  would look up and see everyone... this felt invigorating, I don't know if it was the energy from everyone or what but I felt how it would be teaching, with everyone's attention. I want to be inspiring to my students.... I have some amazing teachers and even the teachers that I have in this teacher training are so awesome! They "wow" me and inspire me to be the best that I can be and I hope to one day get to that level of comfortable knowledge. Of course I will always want to continue to learn but I want to get to that point where I can answer questions and be sure of them. So, another thing to add to the list is CONFIDENCE. If I'm not confident, how is anyone going to trust my class? or even themselves IN my class?? You're right, they won't.

Work is consuming every part of me and I feel like I'm getting no where... but it's not true, because everyday something interesting happens and I find that stern, confident person inside of me. Since I work in retail, I built that confidence over the years. But I need to make this promise to myself  TODAY, that I will do something that's for me everyday. Whether that be reading, drawing, turning off my phone and having silence, anything that helps me recharge. because I can't be this worn out this early in life, can I? Well, I guess anything is possible... I'll tell you what, I'm not having too much fun. But I'm finding the little things that DO make me happy and that do make the work worth all the trouble. I have to do what I have to do. I find relief and "light" with yoga, I truly do. So that's where I'll start. I'm signing off, talk to you all later!

Light and love, Drew

My Safe Haven and Someone Special

Have you ever had a place to go to where you felt completely comfortable? Where you could do anything your heart desired? If you have, then you will relate to this blog :) My place would be my best friend of six years, Angelica's house. It is the homiest home that I've ever been to. You see, I'm hardly ever at my parent's house and most would think that that would be my second favorite place to be besides my own apartment but nope. I only go to my parent's house in the mornings if I don't have work because that's when my dad isn't there. He makes me feel completely uncomfortable and unwanted. I never know if he'll like me or just be mad for no reason and say, "why did you have to come over? I don't feel like having anyone over, you're gonna have to leave." so I just prefer to avoid him at all costs and avoid that horrible feeling of rejection.

About a year ago, I moved in with Angelica and her family just after our horrible Europe trip fiasco. I moved with her because of my dad and his overbearing ways and constant negativity, it wasn't a good environment. My 16 year old brother just recenty moved out because of him. Only 16! I moved in with her just until I got everything worked out with work and whatnot because all my plans had changed without warning. Angelica pretty much knows everything about my life and everything I've been through. She helped me out of that environment with my dad and asked me to move in with her and I've never regretted it. Her family is so inviting and down to earth. Just going to he house and watching tv would set my day positive And make everything in my life seem less dramatic and my family issues would lessen. She's a friend that I know will ALWAYS be my best friend. She knows me probably better than I know myself. She's taught me so much. I love talking to her, she always gives feedback and constructive critizism.

I can sit at her house and never feel in need of anything. I feel safe. Her and her family never make me feel awkward and unwanted and it makes me sooooo happy that they're just as comfortable around me. I'm completely appreciative for everything she's ever done for me, and it's been a lot. I would do anything for her. She's been there for me and wanted me when my own parents never let me back in. I've been on my own since 18, he told me to never come back. I wasn't a horrible kid. Straight A student, graduated with honors, and kept to myself, was always in my room reading or something. So it wasn't like I was a trouble maker. Anyway, she always made room for me. We're Jay and Silent Bob, Cheech and Chong, Batman and Robbin hahaha :) we are complete opposites but we compliment each other so well. I hope she know how unbelieveably grateful I am. I have been spending alot of time with her and it has helped me live my reality alittle better, life is more exciting and I get a break from everyday life. Thank you, Angelica. :)

Here's where my journey truly begins

    So, a couple of months ago I decided to take my passion and connection for yoga and do a teacher training program at this school in Tempe. I can't believe how fast the time flew! I remember thinking how long it was going to be until I finally started school and here we are! first week of school!

    My first day was on Tuesday (10/11) and right when I walked through the doors, I decided to sit down and wait a little bit because I was early. Then one of my instructors calls for the YO 101 class and says, "take off your shoes! there are no shoes allowed in the room!" So we have to be barefoot in the room, and it's so comfortable! I almost forget that I'm at school working towards a Certificate sometimes haha. And we have to wear comfortable clothes, I can't wait to make this my job. Barefoot and in yoga pants for the majority of the day! Heck yes! sign me up! :)

    There are so many students in this class! it's amazing! and they're all so welcoming and friendly and we're all there for the same reason and the same intentions, which binds us even more. We started the class by sitting on the floor in a huge circle and as I looked at everyone I almost started to feel claustrophobic and just wanted to hide. I didn't know, at first, if wanted to pursue being a yoga instructor because I fear that I won't be able to reach out to any of my students and inspire them like I have been inspired. We learned about the word "guru" which means, "one who brings another from dark to light." I was so amazed at this word because this is the experience I had when I started doing yoga almost three years ago. My very special friend, Allison, introduced me to yoga and completely changed my life, that's what a guru does. I would really like to help someone like she did. I'm worried I won't be able to fully express or articulate an answer to a question that one of my students might have. I also am alittle uncomfortable with having the attention on me. I guess I just don't have all the confidence I need but that's why I'm doing this, to gain the proper knowledge and confidence, not to mention all the implied stuff, like the priceless experience and happiness this will bring me.

    I would really like the opportunity to help someone find the light that they need. I can't even express how "found" I felt when I started doing yoga. I probably sound crazy but when I compare myself from now to when I was in my early years of high school, the difference is noticeable. My mom even told me how glad she was when I started doing yoga. She knows how bad I was and how depressed I was.

    Anyway, when we finished doing introductions, I started feeling more at ease and more like I belonged there with everyone else. We learned some words in sanskrit and learned what the word "yoga" means and where it derives from. Even after those first three hours of that class, I felt so calm, and all my worries subsided, and I felt more like this is the path I'm supposed to take. It's the environment that I've desired for so long, one of the reasons I decided to the 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge. It's such a comforting place to be and such an escape from our day to day lives. I went home so refreshed and content.

    My second class was on Thursday (10/13) and this class was kind of emotional for me. If anyone has ever told you about a life changing experience or something that happened to them that just changed their perspective on life, well this is what I feel pretty much every yoga class I take. On Thursday we learned about the "om" symbol and what it means exactly. This is the symbol that I have tattooed on my foot. Then we split up into two groups and had two separate yoga classes to demonstrate breathing techniques and asanas(poses). All these poses are poses I have done a million times, and some of the sanskrit names were familiar as well because of all my hot yoga classes. then we did a meditation exercise that was probably about ten minutes long! I didn't know I could meditate that long. haha During this time, I was almost on another level, somewhere so unbelievably comfortable that I didn't want to come out of it. The instructor was talking and there were some times where I would black out and not hear her speaking. I was there but I wasn't there at the same time. Then I started to tear up. I felt so happy and clear minded and like I belonged in that room, on that yoga mat, at that time with all those people. It was great and so relaxing.

    I slept really good that night :)

    I can't wait to find out what else this experience has in store for me in the next six months. After I'm finished with this 200 hour course I will be certified to teach yoga! But I am going for 760 hours of yoga :) as well as some additional classes. I'll be keeping a journal to store my journey. I'm so excited!

Let's start over

This past weekend was very difficult, one, because I worked nonstop, but I liked working so that shouldn't be number one. I worked all day Friday and all day Saturday but I loved being productive and the people I work with are amazing. They help keep my mind off things and keep me smiling and laughing which is ultimately what I need right now. Anyway, Saturday night I read that my boyfriend that I just got out of a relationship with had already got another girlfriend, this hurt me so bad! I was thinking, "how could he have found someone so soon??!! (it had only been a week since we broke up)Especially when I'm still dreading the thought that I'll never see him again." ugh, I was crushed... So that news pretty much ruined Sunday for me, all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep. I didn't want to acknowledge this day or even go through every hour, every minute...(I had the day off with nothing to do and all my sisters were at work.)But I knew that sleeping in and bring sad wouldn't change anything, it would only make me feel worse and remind me of everything again once I woke up, further delaying my recovery process. So I dragged myself out of bed, puffy eyed and everything, and put on my favorite show, Sex and the City, and told myself, "I don't want to feel these negative thoughts and feelings, go away." I felt much better and even relieved after saying that a couple of times. :)

In yoga,(yup! I'm talking about yoga again!)my teacher once told us while we were in savasana to invision ourselves in a white light, this white light was our positive energy, our positive energy and shield and if any negative feelings entered we could fight it by saying some sort of positive affirmation. So that's what I did. It helped me. :)

This morning my heart swelled with happiness and I felt wonderful, so ready for the day and even excited for work! To shake off the weekend's dreariness, I curled my hair for work! And I never do that! Not to mention I've been against getting dolled up for work, don't see the point because I work retail and I'd rather go comfy but today I wanted to experience something different, even something small, and go outside my comfort zone, I'm so glad I did too! Seems like when you try something new you see all these doors open and your mind floods with so much more ideas.

I'm going to do my own thing and whomever or whatever comes along, I'll deal with it then, but right now, I want to enjoy life and love the people in it who DESERVE my attention, especially those that helped me through this tough time, you know who you are ;) and as for everyone else.... Buenas suerte! (good luck!)

Drew <3

This is for me

    I've been having this urge to do something, anything. Something just for me. Maybe take a trip? Go somewhere new. I need to get out of here, see something from a new perspective. I've been so cluttered, with my thoughts, with work stress, but mostly, just me. I put this upon myself really. 
    I freed my mind pretty well, better than I expected. After loosing Shawnee this last time, I felt an ache like no other. I'm sure everyone has experienced this scared, lump in your throat, anxiety feeling. They're not going to be there anymore to hold you the way they did, to kiss you, to make you feel better when you're down. Not to mention all the personal things about them: his laugh, his hands, his smile, the way he'd hug me...I didn't have enough time to prepare myself emotionally because I had a feeling this would happen, he would be gone. Then, before I knew it, he was gone. The first thing I did was blame myself, "Well, if I was so 'amazing' like he said I was, why did he leave me?" But let's be honest, maybe I wasn't enough, maybe he needed something I wasn't providing, or maybe he really just needed to be single and sort everything out. Can't blame someone for trying to find their happiness. I would have done the same thing.
     It's not very easy for me to find someone that I like, so when I do, it's scary and I doubt myself so much. Maybe that's why I'm so distant... We didn't end it in anger. It was a reconciliation I was willing to accept. Crying wouldn't keep him there and he obviously knew how much I loved and cared for him. I'm just sad. However, the only thing to do is keep my heart open, ready for the next person. Never dwell on "what went wrong" because everything happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself up over things like that. ANYTHING can happen, who knows what tomorrow will bring or what amazing experiences you'll have :) Keep your mind and heart open, never doubt yourself and remember your confidence because others feed off that energy and feel it. Everyone is unique, show everyone how unique you are! :)
     And if you need to cry, then cry. You'll feel better afterward. I'm pretty sure I'm done with tears. I just have those moments of sighs. But I will tell you this, I will NOT hang on to this heartache as long as I usually do. I deserve happiness! Give me a couple of days, I'll get there ;) Sometimes I wish I was forty, already married, hopefully in my career and have kids. I'll just skip all those years in between. However, life is definitely something to experience and I'm not even twenty-one yet!!! Oh geez... I have a looooooooong way to go. Wish me luck! :D

                                                                        Drew <3

My day in the sun

About two days ago I was on the freeway and while I was driving I heard, through the blaring music, a weird sound and the first thing I thought was, "wow, great. My tire just popped!" But my car was still driving normal, not swaying or anything so I pulled over anyway to check it out. Turns out the tread, or the very outer part, of my back right tire had come off. I got so lucky because I was still able to drive it to my destination safely. I called my sister Brooke to let her know and I knew I was gonna hear it because she had told me like a week ago that that tire was bad, she's studying to be an automotive technician so she's always letting me know about oil changes and stuff like that :) really nice having a mechanic in the family haha. So the first thing she says is of course, "aye drew! I told you!" hahaha I laughed because it was so true. It was sweet because Shawnee laughed at me too but still assured me that he'd come to retrieve me and he'd get me a new tire.

I ended up not being able to get my tire fixed because it was labor day weekend. I had work on Tuesday and was forced to take the bus and it ended up being a blessing to me in the end! I had made this deal with myself that I would take the bus at least three days out of the week just to be one less car off the road and less pollution. I still hadn't gotten around to getting a bus card so this was a good start. I loved walking and listening to music. Just feeling the earth underneath my feet, holding me up, made me smile and feel me with such energy and happiness. Might sound weird but that's what I felt. However, at the same time, I felt sad because all I saw was garbage along the sidewalk. I almost regretted not bringing along a garbage bag to pick it all up.

When someone throws there garbage on the ground, they don't realize how much that effects EVERYONE, let alone our mother earth :( and she's lashing back at us with all these horrible storms which will only continue to get worse if we keep going at this rate. It's scary to think about.

So the next day I decided that I would spend my morning picking a street and pick up garbage anywhere that I found it. I put on all my necessary gear(gloves, sun screen) and some garbage bags and of course, my ipod :) 

:( tons of stuff like this stuffed into bushes

Literally found like ten of these in the same area! someone was thirsty! haha

and another...

Almost didn't see ya there! ha! 

Beads? really?

I got down and dirty! haha 

However, through all that garbage, there peeks a beautifully colored flower :)

The end product :) 

Yup, I'm a "tree huger" haha 

Then after all this, I went to hot yoga and felt soooooo unbelievably great and so strong.  I want to dedicate at least one day off that I have of work a week to going out there and cleaning our streets. Might not be MUCH but it's SOMETHING and for me, that's good enough :)

I'm going to be the best version of myself that I can be

One day in yoga class as we were in savasana, my teacher told us, "you're not in here to change who you are, because you're already beautiful, but you're here to become a BETTER version of yourself." Like the many things that my teacher says in class, my heart filled with gratitude, happiness and willingness to open my heart and mind to all the opportunities. It got me excited for the future and motivated to better my life, thoughts, and outlooks towards everything, to even better my own relationship.

This is where I began to love myself and thank my body for staying so strong and stable after all I put it through, all the negative thoughts and being unappreciative. After realizing how much I've done for myself I started to build this confidence and started to see myself in ways I've never imagined or even felt uncomfortable thinking about, like being in a relationship with someone. This concept was so foreign to me just a year ago. I've never been in a legit "you're my boyfriend, I'm your girlfriend" relationship and when I was for the first time, it still was a fake, still a game, it was something I thought I could handle. But with that relationship, I was very insecure with myself and being intimate. It was awkward for me. However, the second time around, I felt like I found myself and started figuring out who I really was. I started to be more myself and not this quiet, stuck in the corner person. For example, when being around my boyfriend's friends, I would laugh and smile and try to have the best time possible. Before, the uncomfortable feelings would control me and I wouldn't laugh or anything.
So, after being myself and being true to myself, I started to find that soft spot for him, my boyfriend, finding ways to trust him, trying to open my heart ONCE AGAIN to another, and all the things I loved about him became greater than any altercations or disagreements we had in the past. Made me want to comfort and protect him because he seemed so fragile at times. He was so willing to be the best he could be and he was determined, but it seemed like everyone was out to get him, to see him fail. It hurt my feelings so much for him because I was there for his weak moments and I could see them hurting him even though he said it didn't bother him.

Sorry guys, I got alittle side tracked, but anyway, the point of the story is that I became less hardened and worried and tapped into MY OWN emotions, not the emotions everyone wanted me to feel. I've been letting everyone run me, so now I'm barely getting to know myself. I'm thinking for myself.

Even though he and i are no more, I didn't degrade myself. I was sad because I wanted he and I to work out so bad but our personalities were on either side of the spectrum it wouldn't have worked out. And even though he and I are over and it ended under bad terms, I still believe in love and that there's someone out there for me, that not all guys are mean and out to hurt me. I still smile when I see couples holding hands and sweetly kiss one another. This isn't the end for me. The tears come and go but I feel it's my spirit just letting out all the disappointment And heartbreak and making room for something bigger and right for me.

I'm glad I got to experience what I experienced with him. It made me less like a door mat and more of a person with a voice. I'm not all the way there, however, I'm much closer to a discovery than ever!

Don't trust a kind face

Once again, a rollercoaster of emotions these past couple of weeks have been. My mom went into surgery for a hernia a day after her breast biopsy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a breast biopsy is, doctors jam this tool into the breast to take out the lump to further examine. Sounds very painful. Anyway, so she has her surgery and it goes fine. She spends the night in the intensive care unit just so they can monitor her. Then the next day she's in a regular room. One day I went to see her but when I got there she was asleep. She sounded very weird, almost like she was having a tough time breathing. Her head was alittle slumped forward So I thought that could be the reason for the restricted airway sound. I also tried waking her up and she would open her eyes but then they'd roll back closed. I tried a couple more times, and still the same thing happened. This alarmed me bad. My heart started pounding. I relaxed alittle but still kept my eye on her. Some time goes by and finally a nurse comes in to take her vitals(blood pressure, temperature). The nurse tries to wake up my mom too, there's no response whatsoever. The nurse's faces gets a confused look like something isn't right. She leaves and called some doctors, about 5 of them come running to her room and told me to wait outside. My heart was pounding. There was an instant I couldn't hear anything, just my heart pounding. I called my younger sister, Brooke and she left work to rush to the hospital.

My mom ended up recieving the wrong medicine. The doctor had mixed up two different medicines and gave my mom the strongest out of the two. Completely knocked her out and made her completely incoherent. They had to give her medicine to reverse what they gave her and put her back in the ICU. She explained to me her horrible experience. A week later they let her come home. She's recovering well :) My dad is helping her out tremendously and she's getting plenty of rest. We're all spoiling her haha :)

Through all the chaos and heart wrenching moments, I completed another 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge!!! :D I won't lie, it was so difficult to fit yoga in my schedule. With work, having a boyfriend, and family and friends, I constantly felt pressed for time. I had a lot of anxiety so my shoulders felt like they were to my ears. I've been aching for a shoulder rub for about a month hahaha. However, those 90 minutes in yoga were so peaceful and full of encouragement. I bought more yoga passes only $10 for 10 days woohoo!!! Such a deal :) yoga can be very expensive.

baby, baby, baby...

I want to start off by saying that this blog is for my self journey, a way for me to learn about myself, hence the name up above :) So whatever I write, that's how I was feeling at that time so obviously I won't take anything back or delete anything. This past month has been such an emotional roller coster, with losing Jerry and finding out that my mom has cancer and that my older sister Summer might also have cancer, I'm about to break down. I was also about to start a relationship which I never thought I would after Oliver. I mentioned about him in a previous blog, we started off pretty rocky mostly because I wouldn't open up. I was letting the past keep me closed and the fear from letting me move on. He actually wanted to be with me, soooo different than what I'm used to! Haha He had big dreams that he was determined to accomplish, he smelled delicious even after a long day, oh how I loved the way he smelled, and his laugh! One of a kind, he knew that :) So tall, with abs that made me melt hahahahaha... Anyway, regardless of how it ended, he was beautiful :)He always knew how to make me laugh, he knew I was terrified of zombies so when we'd be sitting there watching a movie, he would make scary moaning noises and try to bite me, like a zombie! It would scare me but make me laugh so hard! :D I learned alot about people because of him and alot about how a relationship should be, I loved listening to him talk, he always knew what he was saying and it always made sense... We had the potential to be more than just dating, we could have possibly moved in with each other. Then there was a lot of miscommunication between the both of us. I know he'll great things in life, he deserves the best... Everytime I think of him, my heart pounds and I almost want to cry and I wish his arms were around me... I have such an emotional attachment to him. He was mine and I was his... I could talk to him anytime about anything and he'd always listen and he knew a side of me that no one else did. What does this mean?? There were times when I wanted to tell him I loved him... I've never had this heart wrenching feeling.... I don't remember feeling this with even Oliver and I think that was because I knew that we didn't belong together. I don't know what I'm hoping for but I'll tell you what, I'm gonna let this be in the hands of fate. Whatever happens, happens. I wish him the best though :) and all the happiness in the world. With the mistakes I made I'm going to learn from them. But I'm not goin to beat myself up over it or feel sorry for myself because I'm alone. There are worse things that could happen. I could have cancer, be handicapped, have no job and no way to support myself. I LOVE MY LIFE and I LOVE ME :) my time will come. Never give up hope :)

An ill obsession

So, somehow me being a vegetarian came up in the conversation I was having with an aquantance. Now for all of you who don't know, I've been a vegetarian because of the health reasons and animal cruelty. I have been a vegetarian for almost 4 years and I am fully satisfied with my decision :) To get back to my story, we were talking about not eating meat and this person was telling me how it was impossible for them to stop and difficult it must have been. I expressed my passion for being a vegetarian and then they say, "why aren't you skinnier? I mean, even I eat meat and I'm skinnier." my weight has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Since about 6th grade. it's such a touchy subject. For anyone that's really close with me knows how much I obsess about it. I wake up stressing and sometimes I dream I eat too much and then wake up relieved that it was only a dream. I sometimes go days without eating because I just want to see my gut go away. Some people do not think before they speak, I would never tell someone that they gained weight because what if they're like me? What if they don't eat for the next week because of what I said?? When I got back from England in September, someone told me, "wow, you got fat!" I can tell you exactly what I felt: like my heart was up in my throat and my mouth got dry, I could feel my face turning red because I knew he was staring at me... That same day, 2 other people told me I had gained weight. I was devasted. I'm so tired of being judged because I might have gained weight. Oh well! It happens! My dad used to call my mom nasty names about her body all of the time, in front of us kids. He would belittle her and make her feel like nothing which is probably why she is the way she is. She's still strong but I can see all the scares my dad left her. I think on a psychological level I'm worried that the guy I love will throw my flaws at me just so that he could feel good about himself. I never want to feel unattractive to the guy that I spend my life with. I just want to be ok with myself, I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile, I don't want to wake up thinking about it or stress about it throughout the day. Or spend money on weightloss pills hoping to never eat again. I started doing yoga because everyone is so accepting, they love you no matter what, no judgement. I love how you're alone but you're all together :) no one is staring at you up and down trying to figure out "why you are the way you are." I am gonna go to school to be a yoga teacher and I'm also gonna study holistic nutrition so I can properly learn about all this stuff. I want to help all those people who are in my shoes because when you're in this hole, it's hard to hear what people tell you, it's hard to believe someone when they say, "no, you look great! Not big at all!" your mind is your worst enemy, you feel like you're drowning. This is why I look down all the time... Everyone has their insecurities and this is my extreme insecurity. There is so much more to life, I'm missing out by obsessing over this, I'm missing out on opportunities. You only live once.... And I will beat this, just like I beat being inflexible, now I'm like a rubber band :)

Truth: I feel terrible when I make mistakes

   These past two weeks have been a changing experience. My life stays pretty consistent and change never happens but sometimes I tell myself that I'm open to change, even though when it happens, I don't know how to respond. As most of you know from reading my past blogs, I just got out of a relationship about 5 months ago. It was devastating, however I got over it :). Alittle over two weeks ago, I met this guy who was totally gorgeous, someone I thought would never be interested in me haha he was super tall, nice and fit, look like he had been chizzled by angels, light brown eyes and tattoo. He was beautiful... Well on this particular day, I was feeling very confident and decided to take a risk. I got his number through a mutual friend and we started talking. I honestly thought all he was gonna want was sex because he had past relationship issues but he didn't! He actually liked me for who I was and adored me. He even thought I was too good for him and that I could get better but I thought, "why in the world would I wanna do that??? You're freaking peeeerfect." Now, on as a side note, I never thought about how scarred I was very past relationships, or lack there of but it turns out, I am! Haha I lack communication, I feel like I can't talk to the guy I like for fear that I won't be heard or something will come out wrong or that I will somehow say the wrong thing and mess everything up :/ turns out, i did that for being TOO quiet. This guy wanted alot of communication which i wasn't comfortable enough to give, but he never gave me the opportunity to try and change or help strengthen that weakness. We stopped talking once because he thought i didn't know what i wanted and that i Wasnt that into him... The truth was, was that i was too afraid to be affectionate because on some level i thought he would take it for granted or just be mean to me(I have some dad issues) and i was just really insecure. I ended up trying to get back with him and to prove that i was going to try and give it a shot, a real shot. He accepted my múltiple apologies and we hung out some more. Another day goes by, i lost sleep from staying up with him all night and having to be at work by 7 the next morning so i had slept most of the day at his house. I was rudely woken up by him tellin me that i had to go home because i was playing games with him. He went through my phone saying that some guy kept asking where i was and that i made him think i was at Home. For one, i never touched my phone the whole times i was with him, except to turn off the alarm in the morning. In no way did i disrespect him but he assumed i was. But he portrayed me as this person who plays games and was desperate to drag him along for what reason, i have no idea because not once did i ask him for anything nor to do anything for me, i gained nothing but a gorgeous, smart person in my life. He called me once after that but not to talk but to tell me, "I have this number in my phone and i don't know who it belongs to." i was confused because how do you NOT know who's in your phone??? Then he responds, "oh, i think i know who this is, have a good one, bye." then hangs up! I was hoping he said all to hear my voice or something haha wishful thinking. I realize and acknowlege how far away and distant I was with him... But I'm not a bad or evil person who plays with someone's feelings. I was just unsure how to act with someone who liked me. The only guys i get are guys that like me but then find someone better or just want sex and no relationship, i thought he was just going to screw me over like the rest... I know he'll never probably talk to me again, but this is a lesson learned. This guy was so great, he treated me like I've never been treated, made me feel beautiful and listened to me when I spoke. This guy encouraged me and reminded me of my strengths. I'm still confused about all this but I do know about one thing...I need to Open my heart up, be willing to let someone wonderful change and impact my life. I can't hide because i'm scared of what MIGHT happen. The past is the past for a reason. I need to live in the moment. Never let these wonderful opportunities pass you by, recognize them and take it because you CAN

And in just a split second it was over....

Something terrible happened to a very special person in our family. He was like a brother, an extended part of our lives and the other half to my younger brother, Emilio. His name was Jerry Wilson Jr. He was just 16 and a father, son, and friend. With a smile that could keep you out of the worst mood. He had the dorkiest laugh, but it was his, and he was true to it :). I wasn't as close to him as the rest of my family was because I had moved out of my parent's house so when he would spend the night and hang out when my family had kick-backs, I wasn't there but he made me comfortable to be around him because he was Emilio's best friend and I trusted him.

His heart just stopped suddenly and the paramedics could not save him. It was his time to go, his amount of heart beats was up. It's so hard to believe that he's gone, this kid who was Emilio's escape from life, another home that he could go to when times got rough at our house, a person to hang out with and talk to. My mom tried to comfort him, she told him, "I know how you feel, I lost my best friend too." He replied with tears streaming down his face, "But he wasn't my best friend, he was more than that..." Which, if you knew Emilio and Jerry, they were inseparable. Broke my heart! I could feel his pain and his hurt. I've told him that we'd be there for him no matter what, but it's not the same...

The pain comes in waves so one minutes I'm ok and the next I'm crying. I feel like I see him everywhere and with my little time with Jerry I can only imagine what Emilio is going through. He has tons of memories with him. I love him so much and I think I'm mostly hurting because of him. I want him to be happy and to succeed in life. We didn't have the best childhood and he never had the right father figure to look up to, we grew up in an abusive household, he's still a kid and needs guidance... I hope this experience makes him stronger. He's very distraught right now... I'm praying for him and Jerry's family every night. Please send them happy thoughts.

It's hard to write this... I keep seeing his happy face in my mind. I haven't ever lost someone so close so this is a different experience for me. I'm used to telling people, "He left because it was his time to go... God has a different plan for him..." But when you're in the situation, you're so confused and trying to find a solution for yourself and the right explanation to why his soul was ranked out of his body so soon when he had everything to live for. But this is the circle of life. Living isn't forever, and these things happen. Emilio probably feels so alone right now, so lost and confused. I hurt for him so much right now. Us kids are really close, we've been through a lot together.

With this recent occurrence, I wasn't very happy(of course) and I felt this unbelievable weight on my heart. I felt scared and vulnerable, almost hopeless. This is something I have never felt before, even during my worst depressed days waaaaay back in the day, before I found Yoga :). Some time has passed and I'm feeling more like myself and I must remember to be strong for my brother. He needs us more than ever right now.

We need to APPRECIATE life, OUR lives, and appreciate everything we do, everyone we love, everyone that makes us happy and smile. Let's have fun and try not to waste time worrying about tomorrow and live in the moment. There's beauty out there, amongst the tragic, let's find it, let's find peace in our hearts and accept what's happening, let's try to make it better and ease our pain little by little. Everything will be ok... it just takes time...

I'm sorry that I cannot provide a picture of Jerry, but I can't look at his face right now. I'm not quite strong enough for this yet.....

what we all cry about and want

   I am no newby to the "love" scene and I'm sure none of you are either. I mostly always here songs about love and nothing else. So when I hear a song that talks about "keeping your head up", it's rejuvenating and feels so new. Although, some of those love songs I can really relate to. Why do artists sing about love all the time?! Even Justin Beiber, when he barely started out, was singing about love and he was like, what, 12 years old??(totally being sarcastic, I'm sure he was a little older than that hahaha). I think it's because we can ALL relate in some way to what these artists are talking about. I don't have any advice on how to overcome the pain of heartbreak because everyone takes and sees it different. For example, when my last boyfriend broke up with me, I was sooooo devastated that I would wake up and hope that it was a dream and then when I realized that it wasn't I would instantly start crying. This went on for quite some time. He was my "first" so this breakup tore me to pieces even more than any other "relationship" i had in the past.
   Well, while all this was going on, someone told me, "The best revenge is moving on." I was thinking, "how is THAT revenge, he's just gonna forget about me and move on, duh." I understand what my friend was talking about now. When you're hung up on an ex, they get to still "have" you without committing themselves back to you. Why should they have their cake and eat it too? When you move on they'll feel jealousy almost and wonder who you're with and what you're doing and why you stopped texting them all the sudden. They even sometimes come running back to you! In my case, this didn't happen, he just split. Would never text or talk to me HAHAHAHA Which I can accept because in the end, I'll be happier without that jerk and so will you!
   But to get back on subject... we do have other problems in our lives that our favorite music artists could sing about. Like for us girls, why  not sing about NOT needing a man especially if he's gonna be a douchebag. Listen to Sara Bareilles "King of Anything" song. It's so awesome and empowering. She put a new spin on love songs haha looooove it :). I've had the void filled with my relation to love and whatnot but what about body image? Oh, that's a big issue with me...(will explain in another blog when I get up the courage). Another thing, I just thought of this but love songs also give us HOPE, not the heartbreak ones, but the lovey dovey ones haha Those make me so happy... :)

   Life is good, with or without a man/woman. Let things happen as they may but NEVER let anyone take advantage of you no matter who they are. Take off your shades and see who they really are, BEYOND the cute face and BEYOND that gorgeous smile. Don't be afraid to call out all their bullshit. You'll look like a badass and put them in they're place! hahaha and you'd be saving yourself from a lot of confusion and heartbreak.
Then, you can keep on walkin' tall.

I must admit something....

   So, everyone(radio, the news, some people i work with) was talking about the world ending today at approximately 6...well it is now 6:40pm and I'm still here talking to all my lovely readers, I have a pulse and everything! Hope you're all well too! :) Anyway, I gotta admit, my heart pounded against my chest when I heard continuous conversation about this and the thoughts that ran through my mind were, "what if it does...??? I don't wanna die!" I am soooo gullible! If someone told me they saw a 6ft spider with purple polka dots walking down the street, I'd probably believe them! hahaha Ok, maybe not to that extreme but pretty close.
   With all this hype about the "end of the world today" it got me thinking about all that I have and everyone in my life. I started to feel this joy and love that was really strong. And I also started thinking about the media and how awful it can be and misleading. All this talk because of ONE person and his followers...? I feel ridiculous even WONDERING if this was true. I'm a very spiritual person and I should have went with my initial feeling and comfort that swept me when I first saw the billboard on "Judgement Day" when I was on my way home from work. I also consulted my mom and she comforted me a lot, like she always does :).
    I've learned to just trust MYSELF. :)
life is too short to be sad! Life is too short to worry! Life is too short to hate! Might as well enjoy the time that we have, laughing, hugging, smiling, being spontaneous and taking risks. Ya know, it's even good for your health ;). The excitement will enrich your life and bring in light that you never saw before. So play a song that you love really loud, even if it's cheesy! Talk to an interesting person that you were too worried to even approach because you thought they'd think you were a loser! Be honest and never deceive :) and tell everyone in your life that you're thankful for them, even if it's a childhood pet that has always listened to you, or a favorite stuffed animal that someone special got you, it's in your life somehow and someway so appreciate it! :)
   This is just what I'm feeling and thought I'd share :) I think I'm gonna go for a run and enjoy this lovely evening.

I'm glad we have the privilege of enjoying these kinds of days :)