Well, I got THAT down, what next??

About a week ago, I was assisting a yoga class, and my teacher let me guide the class through a pose. I had done this already once before and was SO nervous! I even messed up my lefts and rights! I was like, "ok take your right foot, I mean left, oh, I mean right." hahaha I laughed about it later on though. So this time, my teacher asked what pose I wanted to teach and I was going to back out and ask if I could just assist and not teach but something came over me and this burst of confidence appeared and I decided right when he asked, that I was GOING to teach because running away won't help. I need to face this low self esteem issue NOW. I decided to give the previous pose I taught another shot. I was so calm... I mean, at times, for like a second, my heart would start going alittle faster but I took deep breathes and told myself, "You got this. You know the pose and you can teach it." Just like that, I calmed down and before I knew it, my teacher let me assume the seat of the teacher and I taught! It was so smooth! I was hearing my voice echo on the walls of the class and thought, "hey! that's me!! wow! I'm doing this!" I even made alternate suggestions. I taught the Tree pose which requires some balance so I suggested the wall if anyone needed it. I looked around, made sure everyone was alright and actually OBSERVED what I was teaching. Usually I would be so nervous that I'd sound like an automated system! hahaha The teacher is coming out! and the confidence, the peace, this whole other person that I've kept under wraps until now. Someone even came up to me after class and said that I did a great job! I was all smiles.... until I had to come to work.... hahaha but even then, I was convinced that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm taking this seriously. I FEEL every class I take, I'm CHALLENGING my mind and body. I just feel connected. You know how you just LOVE something so much that it might as well be a body part you absolutely need otherwise, you'd be nothing? That's what this brings to me and it brings me such happiness.

The pose I taught, it's harder to teach than it looks! haha :) 

Me, doing Tree Pose, sorry, I had to steal this from my Twitter haha 

I have been observing my thoughts these past couple of days, and just trying to filter through what goes on in there because trust me, my mind is ALWAYS going. I can get so lost in my own mind that I can "disappear" and have to force myself to come back to the NOW. I can literally tune things out, and hear nothing but what's going on in my mind. I'm also working on grounding myself and living in the present, not the past or the future. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but it's like when you're talking to someone and they look so absent minded and then you say, "hello, are you there?? I just asked you a question??" and all they can say is, "Oh! yeah.... what was that again?" hahaha ok, so I'm a really good listener when people talk to me, but this happens to me at the worst times, like when I'm driving! I know! it's terrible. I'm working on it though, promise. Anyway, getting off topic, so like I said before, I've been evaluating my thoughts and so far what I can tell, is I have good thoughts, but not so much towards myself. And this, I've concluded has contributing to my eating disorder. (I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this but hey, this is cleansing, and no one is perfect.) I've been eating more mindfully, ok, except for the chocolate! it's just so gooooood! hahaha I'm taking a nutrition class and so far, I am ECSTATIC! I can't be this inspiring, healthy teacher with an eating disorder. That just does not click with me. I want to be HEALTHY, not obsessed, ashamed or depressed about how I look. You are what you think you are. It's all in the mind. Change the way you think and you change your life. If you wake up and tell yourself, "today is going to be a bad day, I just know it." You're telling your mind and body this, not to mention all the cells, organs and nerves within you. They obey what your mind tells it and guess what, a bad day is what you'll have! I can't keep blaming my dad for my body issues because he would always call my mom horrible names and throw her insecurities in her face when we were younger and I was so worried that that would happen to me, that I would end up with someone who didn't like the way I looked. I am now old enough to know that not all people are the same, not all GUYS are the same. I will find someone who loves me for me :) because I won't accept anything less. I am where I am right now, working through this challenge and winning this battle. I am accepting myself alittle more everyday, becoming comfortable and secure. I still hate to wear fitted shirts and still wear sweaters or cardigans but i'm working on the inside first :) one step at a time. There is a solution out there, I found the door, now i'm looking for the key to unlock it :)

Namaste!! <3

~DJG