This is for me

    I've been having this urge to do something, anything. Something just for me. Maybe take a trip? Go somewhere new. I need to get out of here, see something from a new perspective. I've been so cluttered, with my thoughts, with work stress, but mostly, just me. I put this upon myself really. 
    I freed my mind pretty well, better than I expected. After loosing Shawnee this last time, I felt an ache like no other. I'm sure everyone has experienced this scared, lump in your throat, anxiety feeling. They're not going to be there anymore to hold you the way they did, to kiss you, to make you feel better when you're down. Not to mention all the personal things about them: his laugh, his hands, his smile, the way he'd hug me...I didn't have enough time to prepare myself emotionally because I had a feeling this would happen, he would be gone. Then, before I knew it, he was gone. The first thing I did was blame myself, "Well, if I was so 'amazing' like he said I was, why did he leave me?" But let's be honest, maybe I wasn't enough, maybe he needed something I wasn't providing, or maybe he really just needed to be single and sort everything out. Can't blame someone for trying to find their happiness. I would have done the same thing.
     It's not very easy for me to find someone that I like, so when I do, it's scary and I doubt myself so much. Maybe that's why I'm so distant... We didn't end it in anger. It was a reconciliation I was willing to accept. Crying wouldn't keep him there and he obviously knew how much I loved and cared for him. I'm just sad. However, the only thing to do is keep my heart open, ready for the next person. Never dwell on "what went wrong" because everything happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself up over things like that. ANYTHING can happen, who knows what tomorrow will bring or what amazing experiences you'll have :) Keep your mind and heart open, never doubt yourself and remember your confidence because others feed off that energy and feel it. Everyone is unique, show everyone how unique you are! :)
     And if you need to cry, then cry. You'll feel better afterward. I'm pretty sure I'm done with tears. I just have those moments of sighs. But I will tell you this, I will NOT hang on to this heartache as long as I usually do. I deserve happiness! Give me a couple of days, I'll get there ;) Sometimes I wish I was forty, already married, hopefully in my career and have kids. I'll just skip all those years in between. However, life is definitely something to experience and I'm not even twenty-one yet!!! Oh geez... I have a looooooooong way to go. Wish me luck! :D

                                                                        Drew <3