Truth: I feel terrible when I make mistakes

   These past two weeks have been a changing experience. My life stays pretty consistent and change never happens but sometimes I tell myself that I'm open to change, even though when it happens, I don't know how to respond. As most of you know from reading my past blogs, I just got out of a relationship about 5 months ago. It was devastating, however I got over it :). Alittle over two weeks ago, I met this guy who was totally gorgeous, someone I thought would never be interested in me haha he was super tall, nice and fit, look like he had been chizzled by angels, light brown eyes and tattoo. He was beautiful... Well on this particular day, I was feeling very confident and decided to take a risk. I got his number through a mutual friend and we started talking. I honestly thought all he was gonna want was sex because he had past relationship issues but he didn't! He actually liked me for who I was and adored me. He even thought I was too good for him and that I could get better but I thought, "why in the world would I wanna do that??? You're freaking peeeerfect." Now, on as a side note, I never thought about how scarred I was very past relationships, or lack there of but it turns out, I am! Haha I lack communication, I feel like I can't talk to the guy I like for fear that I won't be heard or something will come out wrong or that I will somehow say the wrong thing and mess everything up :/ turns out, i did that for being TOO quiet. This guy wanted alot of communication which i wasn't comfortable enough to give, but he never gave me the opportunity to try and change or help strengthen that weakness. We stopped talking once because he thought i didn't know what i wanted and that i Wasnt that into him... The truth was, was that i was too afraid to be affectionate because on some level i thought he would take it for granted or just be mean to me(I have some dad issues) and i was just really insecure. I ended up trying to get back with him and to prove that i was going to try and give it a shot, a real shot. He accepted my múltiple apologies and we hung out some more. Another day goes by, i lost sleep from staying up with him all night and having to be at work by 7 the next morning so i had slept most of the day at his house. I was rudely woken up by him tellin me that i had to go home because i was playing games with him. He went through my phone saying that some guy kept asking where i was and that i made him think i was at Home. For one, i never touched my phone the whole times i was with him, except to turn off the alarm in the morning. In no way did i disrespect him but he assumed i was. But he portrayed me as this person who plays games and was desperate to drag him along for what reason, i have no idea because not once did i ask him for anything nor to do anything for me, i gained nothing but a gorgeous, smart person in my life. He called me once after that but not to talk but to tell me, "I have this number in my phone and i don't know who it belongs to." i was confused because how do you NOT know who's in your phone??? Then he responds, "oh, i think i know who this is, have a good one, bye." then hangs up! I was hoping he said all to hear my voice or something haha wishful thinking. I realize and acknowlege how far away and distant I was with him... But I'm not a bad or evil person who plays with someone's feelings. I was just unsure how to act with someone who liked me. The only guys i get are guys that like me but then find someone better or just want sex and no relationship, i thought he was just going to screw me over like the rest... I know he'll never probably talk to me again, but this is a lesson learned. This guy was so great, he treated me like I've never been treated, made me feel beautiful and listened to me when I spoke. This guy encouraged me and reminded me of my strengths. I'm still confused about all this but I do know about one thing...I need to Open my heart up, be willing to let someone wonderful change and impact my life. I can't hide because i'm scared of what MIGHT happen. The past is the past for a reason. I need to live in the moment. Never let these wonderful opportunities pass you by, recognize them and take it because you CAN