baby, baby, baby...

I want to start off by saying that this blog is for my self journey, a way for me to learn about myself, hence the name up above :) So whatever I write, that's how I was feeling at that time so obviously I won't take anything back or delete anything. This past month has been such an emotional roller coster, with losing Jerry and finding out that my mom has cancer and that my older sister Summer might also have cancer, I'm about to break down. I was also about to start a relationship which I never thought I would after Oliver. I mentioned about him in a previous blog, we started off pretty rocky mostly because I wouldn't open up. I was letting the past keep me closed and the fear from letting me move on. He actually wanted to be with me, soooo different than what I'm used to! Haha He had big dreams that he was determined to accomplish, he smelled delicious even after a long day, oh how I loved the way he smelled, and his laugh! One of a kind, he knew that :) So tall, with abs that made me melt hahahahaha... Anyway, regardless of how it ended, he was beautiful :)He always knew how to make me laugh, he knew I was terrified of zombies so when we'd be sitting there watching a movie, he would make scary moaning noises and try to bite me, like a zombie! It would scare me but make me laugh so hard! :D I learned alot about people because of him and alot about how a relationship should be, I loved listening to him talk, he always knew what he was saying and it always made sense... We had the potential to be more than just dating, we could have possibly moved in with each other. Then there was a lot of miscommunication between the both of us. I know he'll great things in life, he deserves the best... Everytime I think of him, my heart pounds and I almost want to cry and I wish his arms were around me... I have such an emotional attachment to him. He was mine and I was his... I could talk to him anytime about anything and he'd always listen and he knew a side of me that no one else did. What does this mean?? There were times when I wanted to tell him I loved him... I've never had this heart wrenching feeling.... I don't remember feeling this with even Oliver and I think that was because I knew that we didn't belong together. I don't know what I'm hoping for but I'll tell you what, I'm gonna let this be in the hands of fate. Whatever happens, happens. I wish him the best though :) and all the happiness in the world. With the mistakes I made I'm going to learn from them. But I'm not goin to beat myself up over it or feel sorry for myself because I'm alone. There are worse things that could happen. I could have cancer, be handicapped, have no job and no way to support myself. I LOVE MY LIFE and I LOVE ME :) my time will come. Never give up hope :)