Let's start over

This past weekend was very difficult, one, because I worked nonstop, but I liked working so that shouldn't be number one. I worked all day Friday and all day Saturday but I loved being productive and the people I work with are amazing. They help keep my mind off things and keep me smiling and laughing which is ultimately what I need right now. Anyway, Saturday night I read that my boyfriend that I just got out of a relationship with had already got another girlfriend, this hurt me so bad! I was thinking, "how could he have found someone so soon??!! (it had only been a week since we broke up)Especially when I'm still dreading the thought that I'll never see him again." ugh, I was crushed... So that news pretty much ruined Sunday for me, all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep. I didn't want to acknowledge this day or even go through every hour, every minute...(I had the day off with nothing to do and all my sisters were at work.)But I knew that sleeping in and bring sad wouldn't change anything, it would only make me feel worse and remind me of everything again once I woke up, further delaying my recovery process. So I dragged myself out of bed, puffy eyed and everything, and put on my favorite show, Sex and the City, and told myself, "I don't want to feel these negative thoughts and feelings, go away." I felt much better and even relieved after saying that a couple of times. :)

In yoga,(yup! I'm talking about yoga again!)my teacher once told us while we were in savasana to invision ourselves in a white light, this white light was our positive energy, our positive energy and shield and if any negative feelings entered we could fight it by saying some sort of positive affirmation. So that's what I did. It helped me. :)

This morning my heart swelled with happiness and I felt wonderful, so ready for the day and even excited for work! To shake off the weekend's dreariness, I curled my hair for work! And I never do that! Not to mention I've been against getting dolled up for work, don't see the point because I work retail and I'd rather go comfy but today I wanted to experience something different, even something small, and go outside my comfort zone, I'm so glad I did too! Seems like when you try something new you see all these doors open and your mind floods with so much more ideas.

I'm going to do my own thing and whomever or whatever comes along, I'll deal with it then, but right now, I want to enjoy life and love the people in it who DESERVE my attention, especially those that helped me through this tough time, you know who you are ;) and as for everyone else.... Buenas suerte! (good luck!)

Drew <3

This is for me

    I've been having this urge to do something, anything. Something just for me. Maybe take a trip? Go somewhere new. I need to get out of here, see something from a new perspective. I've been so cluttered, with my thoughts, with work stress, but mostly, just me. I put this upon myself really. 
    I freed my mind pretty well, better than I expected. After loosing Shawnee this last time, I felt an ache like no other. I'm sure everyone has experienced this scared, lump in your throat, anxiety feeling. They're not going to be there anymore to hold you the way they did, to kiss you, to make you feel better when you're down. Not to mention all the personal things about them: his laugh, his hands, his smile, the way he'd hug me...I didn't have enough time to prepare myself emotionally because I had a feeling this would happen, he would be gone. Then, before I knew it, he was gone. The first thing I did was blame myself, "Well, if I was so 'amazing' like he said I was, why did he leave me?" But let's be honest, maybe I wasn't enough, maybe he needed something I wasn't providing, or maybe he really just needed to be single and sort everything out. Can't blame someone for trying to find their happiness. I would have done the same thing.
     It's not very easy for me to find someone that I like, so when I do, it's scary and I doubt myself so much. Maybe that's why I'm so distant... We didn't end it in anger. It was a reconciliation I was willing to accept. Crying wouldn't keep him there and he obviously knew how much I loved and cared for him. I'm just sad. However, the only thing to do is keep my heart open, ready for the next person. Never dwell on "what went wrong" because everything happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself up over things like that. ANYTHING can happen, who knows what tomorrow will bring or what amazing experiences you'll have :) Keep your mind and heart open, never doubt yourself and remember your confidence because others feed off that energy and feel it. Everyone is unique, show everyone how unique you are! :)
     And if you need to cry, then cry. You'll feel better afterward. I'm pretty sure I'm done with tears. I just have those moments of sighs. But I will tell you this, I will NOT hang on to this heartache as long as I usually do. I deserve happiness! Give me a couple of days, I'll get there ;) Sometimes I wish I was forty, already married, hopefully in my career and have kids. I'll just skip all those years in between. However, life is definitely something to experience and I'm not even twenty-one yet!!! Oh geez... I have a looooooooong way to go. Wish me luck! :D

                                                                        Drew <3

My day in the sun

About two days ago I was on the freeway and while I was driving I heard, through the blaring music, a weird sound and the first thing I thought was, "wow, great. My tire just popped!" But my car was still driving normal, not swaying or anything so I pulled over anyway to check it out. Turns out the tread, or the very outer part, of my back right tire had come off. I got so lucky because I was still able to drive it to my destination safely. I called my sister Brooke to let her know and I knew I was gonna hear it because she had told me like a week ago that that tire was bad, she's studying to be an automotive technician so she's always letting me know about oil changes and stuff like that :) really nice having a mechanic in the family haha. So the first thing she says is of course, "aye drew! I told you!" hahaha I laughed because it was so true. It was sweet because Shawnee laughed at me too but still assured me that he'd come to retrieve me and he'd get me a new tire.

I ended up not being able to get my tire fixed because it was labor day weekend. I had work on Tuesday and was forced to take the bus and it ended up being a blessing to me in the end! I had made this deal with myself that I would take the bus at least three days out of the week just to be one less car off the road and less pollution. I still hadn't gotten around to getting a bus card so this was a good start. I loved walking and listening to music. Just feeling the earth underneath my feet, holding me up, made me smile and feel me with such energy and happiness. Might sound weird but that's what I felt. However, at the same time, I felt sad because all I saw was garbage along the sidewalk. I almost regretted not bringing along a garbage bag to pick it all up.

When someone throws there garbage on the ground, they don't realize how much that effects EVERYONE, let alone our mother earth :( and she's lashing back at us with all these horrible storms which will only continue to get worse if we keep going at this rate. It's scary to think about.

So the next day I decided that I would spend my morning picking a street and pick up garbage anywhere that I found it. I put on all my necessary gear(gloves, sun screen) and some garbage bags and of course, my ipod :) 

:( tons of stuff like this stuffed into bushes

Literally found like ten of these in the same area! someone was thirsty! haha

and another...

Almost didn't see ya there! ha! 

Beads? really?

I got down and dirty! haha 

However, through all that garbage, there peeks a beautifully colored flower :)

The end product :) 

Yup, I'm a "tree huger" haha 

Then after all this, I went to hot yoga and felt soooooo unbelievably great and so strong.  I want to dedicate at least one day off that I have of work a week to going out there and cleaning our streets. Might not be MUCH but it's SOMETHING and for me, that's good enough :)

I'm going to be the best version of myself that I can be

One day in yoga class as we were in savasana, my teacher told us, "you're not in here to change who you are, because you're already beautiful, but you're here to become a BETTER version of yourself." Like the many things that my teacher says in class, my heart filled with gratitude, happiness and willingness to open my heart and mind to all the opportunities. It got me excited for the future and motivated to better my life, thoughts, and outlooks towards everything, to even better my own relationship.

This is where I began to love myself and thank my body for staying so strong and stable after all I put it through, all the negative thoughts and being unappreciative. After realizing how much I've done for myself I started to build this confidence and started to see myself in ways I've never imagined or even felt uncomfortable thinking about, like being in a relationship with someone. This concept was so foreign to me just a year ago. I've never been in a legit "you're my boyfriend, I'm your girlfriend" relationship and when I was for the first time, it still was a fake, still a game, it was something I thought I could handle. But with that relationship, I was very insecure with myself and being intimate. It was awkward for me. However, the second time around, I felt like I found myself and started figuring out who I really was. I started to be more myself and not this quiet, stuck in the corner person. For example, when being around my boyfriend's friends, I would laugh and smile and try to have the best time possible. Before, the uncomfortable feelings would control me and I wouldn't laugh or anything.
So, after being myself and being true to myself, I started to find that soft spot for him, my boyfriend, finding ways to trust him, trying to open my heart ONCE AGAIN to another, and all the things I loved about him became greater than any altercations or disagreements we had in the past. Made me want to comfort and protect him because he seemed so fragile at times. He was so willing to be the best he could be and he was determined, but it seemed like everyone was out to get him, to see him fail. It hurt my feelings so much for him because I was there for his weak moments and I could see them hurting him even though he said it didn't bother him.

Sorry guys, I got alittle side tracked, but anyway, the point of the story is that I became less hardened and worried and tapped into MY OWN emotions, not the emotions everyone wanted me to feel. I've been letting everyone run me, so now I'm barely getting to know myself. I'm thinking for myself.

Even though he and i are no more, I didn't degrade myself. I was sad because I wanted he and I to work out so bad but our personalities were on either side of the spectrum it wouldn't have worked out. And even though he and I are over and it ended under bad terms, I still believe in love and that there's someone out there for me, that not all guys are mean and out to hurt me. I still smile when I see couples holding hands and sweetly kiss one another. This isn't the end for me. The tears come and go but I feel it's my spirit just letting out all the disappointment And heartbreak and making room for something bigger and right for me.

I'm glad I got to experience what I experienced with him. It made me less like a door mat and more of a person with a voice. I'm not all the way there, however, I'm much closer to a discovery than ever!

Don't trust a kind face

Once again, a rollercoaster of emotions these past couple of weeks have been. My mom went into surgery for a hernia a day after her breast biopsy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a breast biopsy is, doctors jam this tool into the breast to take out the lump to further examine. Sounds very painful. Anyway, so she has her surgery and it goes fine. She spends the night in the intensive care unit just so they can monitor her. Then the next day she's in a regular room. One day I went to see her but when I got there she was asleep. She sounded very weird, almost like she was having a tough time breathing. Her head was alittle slumped forward So I thought that could be the reason for the restricted airway sound. I also tried waking her up and she would open her eyes but then they'd roll back closed. I tried a couple more times, and still the same thing happened. This alarmed me bad. My heart started pounding. I relaxed alittle but still kept my eye on her. Some time goes by and finally a nurse comes in to take her vitals(blood pressure, temperature). The nurse tries to wake up my mom too, there's no response whatsoever. The nurse's faces gets a confused look like something isn't right. She leaves and called some doctors, about 5 of them come running to her room and told me to wait outside. My heart was pounding. There was an instant I couldn't hear anything, just my heart pounding. I called my younger sister, Brooke and she left work to rush to the hospital.

My mom ended up recieving the wrong medicine. The doctor had mixed up two different medicines and gave my mom the strongest out of the two. Completely knocked her out and made her completely incoherent. They had to give her medicine to reverse what they gave her and put her back in the ICU. She explained to me her horrible experience. A week later they let her come home. She's recovering well :) My dad is helping her out tremendously and she's getting plenty of rest. We're all spoiling her haha :)

Through all the chaos and heart wrenching moments, I completed another 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge!!! :D I won't lie, it was so difficult to fit yoga in my schedule. With work, having a boyfriend, and family and friends, I constantly felt pressed for time. I had a lot of anxiety so my shoulders felt like they were to my ears. I've been aching for a shoulder rub for about a month hahaha. However, those 90 minutes in yoga were so peaceful and full of encouragement. I bought more yoga passes only $10 for 10 days woohoo!!! Such a deal :) yoga can be very expensive.

baby, baby, baby...

I want to start off by saying that this blog is for my self journey, a way for me to learn about myself, hence the name up above :) So whatever I write, that's how I was feeling at that time so obviously I won't take anything back or delete anything. This past month has been such an emotional roller coster, with losing Jerry and finding out that my mom has cancer and that my older sister Summer might also have cancer, I'm about to break down. I was also about to start a relationship which I never thought I would after Oliver. I mentioned about him in a previous blog, we started off pretty rocky mostly because I wouldn't open up. I was letting the past keep me closed and the fear from letting me move on. He actually wanted to be with me, soooo different than what I'm used to! Haha He had big dreams that he was determined to accomplish, he smelled delicious even after a long day, oh how I loved the way he smelled, and his laugh! One of a kind, he knew that :) So tall, with abs that made me melt hahahahaha... Anyway, regardless of how it ended, he was beautiful :)He always knew how to make me laugh, he knew I was terrified of zombies so when we'd be sitting there watching a movie, he would make scary moaning noises and try to bite me, like a zombie! It would scare me but make me laugh so hard! :D I learned alot about people because of him and alot about how a relationship should be, I loved listening to him talk, he always knew what he was saying and it always made sense... We had the potential to be more than just dating, we could have possibly moved in with each other. Then there was a lot of miscommunication between the both of us. I know he'll great things in life, he deserves the best... Everytime I think of him, my heart pounds and I almost want to cry and I wish his arms were around me... I have such an emotional attachment to him. He was mine and I was his... I could talk to him anytime about anything and he'd always listen and he knew a side of me that no one else did. What does this mean?? There were times when I wanted to tell him I loved him... I've never had this heart wrenching feeling.... I don't remember feeling this with even Oliver and I think that was because I knew that we didn't belong together. I don't know what I'm hoping for but I'll tell you what, I'm gonna let this be in the hands of fate. Whatever happens, happens. I wish him the best though :) and all the happiness in the world. With the mistakes I made I'm going to learn from them. But I'm not goin to beat myself up over it or feel sorry for myself because I'm alone. There are worse things that could happen. I could have cancer, be handicapped, have no job and no way to support myself. I LOVE MY LIFE and I LOVE ME :) my time will come. Never give up hope :)

An ill obsession

So, somehow me being a vegetarian came up in the conversation I was having with an aquantance. Now for all of you who don't know, I've been a vegetarian because of the health reasons and animal cruelty. I have been a vegetarian for almost 4 years and I am fully satisfied with my decision :) To get back to my story, we were talking about not eating meat and this person was telling me how it was impossible for them to stop and difficult it must have been. I expressed my passion for being a vegetarian and then they say, "why aren't you skinnier? I mean, even I eat meat and I'm skinnier." my weight has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Since about 6th grade. it's such a touchy subject. For anyone that's really close with me knows how much I obsess about it. I wake up stressing and sometimes I dream I eat too much and then wake up relieved that it was only a dream. I sometimes go days without eating because I just want to see my gut go away. Some people do not think before they speak, I would never tell someone that they gained weight because what if they're like me? What if they don't eat for the next week because of what I said?? When I got back from England in September, someone told me, "wow, you got fat!" I can tell you exactly what I felt: like my heart was up in my throat and my mouth got dry, I could feel my face turning red because I knew he was staring at me... That same day, 2 other people told me I had gained weight. I was devasted. I'm so tired of being judged because I might have gained weight. Oh well! It happens! My dad used to call my mom nasty names about her body all of the time, in front of us kids. He would belittle her and make her feel like nothing which is probably why she is the way she is. She's still strong but I can see all the scares my dad left her. I think on a psychological level I'm worried that the guy I love will throw my flaws at me just so that he could feel good about himself. I never want to feel unattractive to the guy that I spend my life with. I just want to be ok with myself, I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile, I don't want to wake up thinking about it or stress about it throughout the day. Or spend money on weightloss pills hoping to never eat again. I started doing yoga because everyone is so accepting, they love you no matter what, no judgement. I love how you're alone but you're all together :) no one is staring at you up and down trying to figure out "why you are the way you are." I am gonna go to school to be a yoga teacher and I'm also gonna study holistic nutrition so I can properly learn about all this stuff. I want to help all those people who are in my shoes because when you're in this hole, it's hard to hear what people tell you, it's hard to believe someone when they say, "no, you look great! Not big at all!" your mind is your worst enemy, you feel like you're drowning. This is why I look down all the time... Everyone has their insecurities and this is my extreme insecurity. There is so much more to life, I'm missing out by obsessing over this, I'm missing out on opportunities. You only live once.... And I will beat this, just like I beat being inflexible, now I'm like a rubber band :)