So, I've been thinking...

Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and for the longest time, the only way I dealt with my stress, was going to yoga. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I believe that a good way to relieve yourself of burdens is by talking to someone that you can trust. It's not that I couldn't trust anyone, I guess I just didn't want to seem weak but I'm human. Even the strongest of individuals have weaknesses and worries. So, even if I'm unable to SPEAK of my worries, I thought, why not blog and vent on here. Surely what I may not be able to speak, perhaps I can type. I just got done talking to a close and long time friend of mine and we were just venting to each other. I love talking to her because we have very similar problems, especially with our families, and talking to someone is great, but talking to someone who knows exactly how you feel, makes it 10x better.

My longest problem has been money. I know, who hasn't had this issue since the economy plummeted?? I honestly hate to desire more money, but I'm honestly living from pay check to pay check. Sometimes I almost go into a panic attach. It frustrates me that I can't even afford something to drink at work or even afford to go out and watch a movie. I work retail, and even that should be enough said, but it's tough. The stress and having to deal with the worst of people can take a toll on yourself. I want to make something better of myself but even going to school right now scares me so much. I'm worried I won't be able to get enough hours at work to pay rent and other bills because of my school hours. Where is the balance??? And I'm worried that if I do get a new job, will they be as lenient with my schedule? I have seniority at my job right now and they're understanding with school and whatnot. Or am I just not really looking for a new job because I'm comfortable where I'm at right now?

On the other hand, I also have a very interesting job. I work with GREAT people that always make me laugh. And I also meet interesting people. Not all of them are horrible. Even when I do get a horrible customer, I can vent to my co-workers because they know exactly what this is like! I work for a strong company, but we sure as hell don't get paid enough for the stuff we have to deal with. And my bills get paid, I can just never do anything else! Work, home, school, sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again. "I'm living, but I'm not alive." That's what my friend tells me all the time. hahaha and it's the truth! I've been this way since I was 16 but even then it was easier because I was living at home and to be honest, if I could, I would still be living at home. I would be less stressed and have more time and money for ME. For all my young folks that are still at home, stay there as long as you can and save as much as you can. It would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and will be more prepared for the future. Don't get me wrong, I love my independence and the fact that EVERYTHING I have right now, I bought on my own with no help whatsoever, so I almost can't fail because if I do, then my whole life goes up in flames and then I'll lose everything I worked so hard for. I've accomplished alot already, so I shouldn't take things so lightly like I tend to do sometimes. Everything is a process, this is another process that I'm having to go through, however, this has been going on for FOREVER it feels like haha. I guess I'm just waiting for my door, or window to open, but I feel like I'm walking in the dark!

I'm determined to find out where I fit in in this world! I WILL find that door....or window... or whatever is waiting for me! I may be shy but when I get determined, I'll do anything. This is a hard time for me and sure, I get sad and sometimes even deeply depressed because of these situation and family problems that just pull me down but the reality is, this is it. Without the hard times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate and value the good times I have.

Whew! feeling better already! Thanks for reading this! I feel like a weight has already been lifted off my shoulders and my mind is alittle more clear!

until next time,
Namaste a todos :)

What will next year bring??

For starters, plans never go as they should for me haha so I'm just going to sort of set a "tone" for the New Year and build from that! It's more my style, anyway. This coming up year, I am hoping will be much better, however, I think we all are, right? I can't say that this past year was absolutely terrible because a lot of the stuff that has happened is part of growing... I've said to myself that I wish I could be 30 already and have everything figured out, have my career and maybe even a husband but as it is, I am here, 20, and confused! i find clarity and strength at random times but then, something else pops up and then it's back to the drawing board! I always stick with consistency in my life, with pretty much everything....work, daily routine etc. I'm fairly predictable. I always have fear in my mind, always AFRAID to advance or always AFRAID of change. This annoys me but I am nurturing this aspect of myself and teaching myself that it's ok to let go... I am getting ready to move to another apartment and hopefully with a new environment and new slate, I can unlock another blockage that crowds my mind. This year I want to experience something new, but for reals this time. I always say this and it never happens. A commitment forever on hold haha c'mon, I know everyone has them! Maybe get a new job, step out of my comfort zone, start to love and appreciate myself instead of looking for others to see the beauty in me, start to truly depend on myself in every way instead of hoping my parents will change and actually treat all of us equally. Time is precious! I don't want to waste it! and my time is going by fast!

Before I know it, I'll be a yoga instructor! I don't have very much to go! This excites me then again I am soooooo very nervous! I know about yoga, not everything but the basics and I could talk about it all day! But when it comes to teaching people, I freeze and all knowledge goes out the window. This semester that just ended I was put in a group with two other classmates and we were assigned a yoga history element. We had to research it and then present it. I'm not a huge fan of doing group projects because my schedule is all over the place and to meet up would be next to impossible. But when I would think about standing in front of everyone, I would kind of panic, kind of. There is just something that was holding me back: FEAR! of course... I was scared that I would forget what I was talking about, stumble or maybe trip, of sounding too boring, or if they were looking at my colorful socks instead of listening to me. I was honestly just over thinking everything. We ended up getting everything finished and when I was standing in front of everyone, I  would look up and see everyone... this felt invigorating, I don't know if it was the energy from everyone or what but I felt how it would be teaching, with everyone's attention. I want to be inspiring to my students.... I have some amazing teachers and even the teachers that I have in this teacher training are so awesome! They "wow" me and inspire me to be the best that I can be and I hope to one day get to that level of comfortable knowledge. Of course I will always want to continue to learn but I want to get to that point where I can answer questions and be sure of them. So, another thing to add to the list is CONFIDENCE. If I'm not confident, how is anyone going to trust my class? or even themselves IN my class?? You're right, they won't.

Work is consuming every part of me and I feel like I'm getting no where... but it's not true, because everyday something interesting happens and I find that stern, confident person inside of me. Since I work in retail, I built that confidence over the years. But I need to make this promise to myself  TODAY, that I will do something that's for me everyday. Whether that be reading, drawing, turning off my phone and having silence, anything that helps me recharge. because I can't be this worn out this early in life, can I? Well, I guess anything is possible... I'll tell you what, I'm not having too much fun. But I'm finding the little things that DO make me happy and that do make the work worth all the trouble. I have to do what I have to do. I find relief and "light" with yoga, I truly do. So that's where I'll start. I'm signing off, talk to you all later!

Light and love, Drew

My Safe Haven and Someone Special

Have you ever had a place to go to where you felt completely comfortable? Where you could do anything your heart desired? If you have, then you will relate to this blog :) My place would be my best friend of six years, Angelica's house. It is the homiest home that I've ever been to. You see, I'm hardly ever at my parent's house and most would think that that would be my second favorite place to be besides my own apartment but nope. I only go to my parent's house in the mornings if I don't have work because that's when my dad isn't there. He makes me feel completely uncomfortable and unwanted. I never know if he'll like me or just be mad for no reason and say, "why did you have to come over? I don't feel like having anyone over, you're gonna have to leave." so I just prefer to avoid him at all costs and avoid that horrible feeling of rejection.

About a year ago, I moved in with Angelica and her family just after our horrible Europe trip fiasco. I moved with her because of my dad and his overbearing ways and constant negativity, it wasn't a good environment. My 16 year old brother just recenty moved out because of him. Only 16! I moved in with her just until I got everything worked out with work and whatnot because all my plans had changed without warning. Angelica pretty much knows everything about my life and everything I've been through. She helped me out of that environment with my dad and asked me to move in with her and I've never regretted it. Her family is so inviting and down to earth. Just going to he house and watching tv would set my day positive And make everything in my life seem less dramatic and my family issues would lessen. She's a friend that I know will ALWAYS be my best friend. She knows me probably better than I know myself. She's taught me so much. I love talking to her, she always gives feedback and constructive critizism.

I can sit at her house and never feel in need of anything. I feel safe. Her and her family never make me feel awkward and unwanted and it makes me sooooo happy that they're just as comfortable around me. I'm completely appreciative for everything she's ever done for me, and it's been a lot. I would do anything for her. She's been there for me and wanted me when my own parents never let me back in. I've been on my own since 18, he told me to never come back. I wasn't a horrible kid. Straight A student, graduated with honors, and kept to myself, was always in my room reading or something. So it wasn't like I was a trouble maker. Anyway, she always made room for me. We're Jay and Silent Bob, Cheech and Chong, Batman and Robbin hahaha :) we are complete opposites but we compliment each other so well. I hope she know how unbelieveably grateful I am. I have been spending alot of time with her and it has helped me live my reality alittle better, life is more exciting and I get a break from everyday life. Thank you, Angelica. :)

Here's where my journey truly begins

    So, a couple of months ago I decided to take my passion and connection for yoga and do a teacher training program at this school in Tempe. I can't believe how fast the time flew! I remember thinking how long it was going to be until I finally started school and here we are! first week of school!

    My first day was on Tuesday (10/11) and right when I walked through the doors, I decided to sit down and wait a little bit because I was early. Then one of my instructors calls for the YO 101 class and says, "take off your shoes! there are no shoes allowed in the room!" So we have to be barefoot in the room, and it's so comfortable! I almost forget that I'm at school working towards a Certificate sometimes haha. And we have to wear comfortable clothes, I can't wait to make this my job. Barefoot and in yoga pants for the majority of the day! Heck yes! sign me up! :)

    There are so many students in this class! it's amazing! and they're all so welcoming and friendly and we're all there for the same reason and the same intentions, which binds us even more. We started the class by sitting on the floor in a huge circle and as I looked at everyone I almost started to feel claustrophobic and just wanted to hide. I didn't know, at first, if wanted to pursue being a yoga instructor because I fear that I won't be able to reach out to any of my students and inspire them like I have been inspired. We learned about the word "guru" which means, "one who brings another from dark to light." I was so amazed at this word because this is the experience I had when I started doing yoga almost three years ago. My very special friend, Allison, introduced me to yoga and completely changed my life, that's what a guru does. I would really like to help someone like she did. I'm worried I won't be able to fully express or articulate an answer to a question that one of my students might have. I also am alittle uncomfortable with having the attention on me. I guess I just don't have all the confidence I need but that's why I'm doing this, to gain the proper knowledge and confidence, not to mention all the implied stuff, like the priceless experience and happiness this will bring me.

    I would really like the opportunity to help someone find the light that they need. I can't even express how "found" I felt when I started doing yoga. I probably sound crazy but when I compare myself from now to when I was in my early years of high school, the difference is noticeable. My mom even told me how glad she was when I started doing yoga. She knows how bad I was and how depressed I was.

    Anyway, when we finished doing introductions, I started feeling more at ease and more like I belonged there with everyone else. We learned some words in sanskrit and learned what the word "yoga" means and where it derives from. Even after those first three hours of that class, I felt so calm, and all my worries subsided, and I felt more like this is the path I'm supposed to take. It's the environment that I've desired for so long, one of the reasons I decided to the 30 Day Hot Yoga Challenge. It's such a comforting place to be and such an escape from our day to day lives. I went home so refreshed and content.

    My second class was on Thursday (10/13) and this class was kind of emotional for me. If anyone has ever told you about a life changing experience or something that happened to them that just changed their perspective on life, well this is what I feel pretty much every yoga class I take. On Thursday we learned about the "om" symbol and what it means exactly. This is the symbol that I have tattooed on my foot. Then we split up into two groups and had two separate yoga classes to demonstrate breathing techniques and asanas(poses). All these poses are poses I have done a million times, and some of the sanskrit names were familiar as well because of all my hot yoga classes. then we did a meditation exercise that was probably about ten minutes long! I didn't know I could meditate that long. haha During this time, I was almost on another level, somewhere so unbelievably comfortable that I didn't want to come out of it. The instructor was talking and there were some times where I would black out and not hear her speaking. I was there but I wasn't there at the same time. Then I started to tear up. I felt so happy and clear minded and like I belonged in that room, on that yoga mat, at that time with all those people. It was great and so relaxing.

    I slept really good that night :)

    I can't wait to find out what else this experience has in store for me in the next six months. After I'm finished with this 200 hour course I will be certified to teach yoga! But I am going for 760 hours of yoga :) as well as some additional classes. I'll be keeping a journal to store my journey. I'm so excited!

Let's start over

This past weekend was very difficult, one, because I worked nonstop, but I liked working so that shouldn't be number one. I worked all day Friday and all day Saturday but I loved being productive and the people I work with are amazing. They help keep my mind off things and keep me smiling and laughing which is ultimately what I need right now. Anyway, Saturday night I read that my boyfriend that I just got out of a relationship with had already got another girlfriend, this hurt me so bad! I was thinking, "how could he have found someone so soon??!! (it had only been a week since we broke up)Especially when I'm still dreading the thought that I'll never see him again." ugh, I was crushed... So that news pretty much ruined Sunday for me, all I wanted to do was cry myself to sleep. I didn't want to acknowledge this day or even go through every hour, every minute...(I had the day off with nothing to do and all my sisters were at work.)But I knew that sleeping in and bring sad wouldn't change anything, it would only make me feel worse and remind me of everything again once I woke up, further delaying my recovery process. So I dragged myself out of bed, puffy eyed and everything, and put on my favorite show, Sex and the City, and told myself, "I don't want to feel these negative thoughts and feelings, go away." I felt much better and even relieved after saying that a couple of times. :)

In yoga,(yup! I'm talking about yoga again!)my teacher once told us while we were in savasana to invision ourselves in a white light, this white light was our positive energy, our positive energy and shield and if any negative feelings entered we could fight it by saying some sort of positive affirmation. So that's what I did. It helped me. :)

This morning my heart swelled with happiness and I felt wonderful, so ready for the day and even excited for work! To shake off the weekend's dreariness, I curled my hair for work! And I never do that! Not to mention I've been against getting dolled up for work, don't see the point because I work retail and I'd rather go comfy but today I wanted to experience something different, even something small, and go outside my comfort zone, I'm so glad I did too! Seems like when you try something new you see all these doors open and your mind floods with so much more ideas.

I'm going to do my own thing and whomever or whatever comes along, I'll deal with it then, but right now, I want to enjoy life and love the people in it who DESERVE my attention, especially those that helped me through this tough time, you know who you are ;) and as for everyone else.... Buenas suerte! (good luck!)

Drew <3

This is for me

    I've been having this urge to do something, anything. Something just for me. Maybe take a trip? Go somewhere new. I need to get out of here, see something from a new perspective. I've been so cluttered, with my thoughts, with work stress, but mostly, just me. I put this upon myself really. 
    I freed my mind pretty well, better than I expected. After loosing Shawnee this last time, I felt an ache like no other. I'm sure everyone has experienced this scared, lump in your throat, anxiety feeling. They're not going to be there anymore to hold you the way they did, to kiss you, to make you feel better when you're down. Not to mention all the personal things about them: his laugh, his hands, his smile, the way he'd hug me...I didn't have enough time to prepare myself emotionally because I had a feeling this would happen, he would be gone. Then, before I knew it, he was gone. The first thing I did was blame myself, "Well, if I was so 'amazing' like he said I was, why did he leave me?" But let's be honest, maybe I wasn't enough, maybe he needed something I wasn't providing, or maybe he really just needed to be single and sort everything out. Can't blame someone for trying to find their happiness. I would have done the same thing.
     It's not very easy for me to find someone that I like, so when I do, it's scary and I doubt myself so much. Maybe that's why I'm so distant... We didn't end it in anger. It was a reconciliation I was willing to accept. Crying wouldn't keep him there and he obviously knew how much I loved and cared for him. I'm just sad. However, the only thing to do is keep my heart open, ready for the next person. Never dwell on "what went wrong" because everything happens for a reason. Don't beat yourself up over things like that. ANYTHING can happen, who knows what tomorrow will bring or what amazing experiences you'll have :) Keep your mind and heart open, never doubt yourself and remember your confidence because others feed off that energy and feel it. Everyone is unique, show everyone how unique you are! :)
     And if you need to cry, then cry. You'll feel better afterward. I'm pretty sure I'm done with tears. I just have those moments of sighs. But I will tell you this, I will NOT hang on to this heartache as long as I usually do. I deserve happiness! Give me a couple of days, I'll get there ;) Sometimes I wish I was forty, already married, hopefully in my career and have kids. I'll just skip all those years in between. However, life is definitely something to experience and I'm not even twenty-one yet!!! Oh geez... I have a looooooooong way to go. Wish me luck! :D

                                                                        Drew <3

My day in the sun

About two days ago I was on the freeway and while I was driving I heard, through the blaring music, a weird sound and the first thing I thought was, "wow, great. My tire just popped!" But my car was still driving normal, not swaying or anything so I pulled over anyway to check it out. Turns out the tread, or the very outer part, of my back right tire had come off. I got so lucky because I was still able to drive it to my destination safely. I called my sister Brooke to let her know and I knew I was gonna hear it because she had told me like a week ago that that tire was bad, she's studying to be an automotive technician so she's always letting me know about oil changes and stuff like that :) really nice having a mechanic in the family haha. So the first thing she says is of course, "aye drew! I told you!" hahaha I laughed because it was so true. It was sweet because Shawnee laughed at me too but still assured me that he'd come to retrieve me and he'd get me a new tire.

I ended up not being able to get my tire fixed because it was labor day weekend. I had work on Tuesday and was forced to take the bus and it ended up being a blessing to me in the end! I had made this deal with myself that I would take the bus at least three days out of the week just to be one less car off the road and less pollution. I still hadn't gotten around to getting a bus card so this was a good start. I loved walking and listening to music. Just feeling the earth underneath my feet, holding me up, made me smile and feel me with such energy and happiness. Might sound weird but that's what I felt. However, at the same time, I felt sad because all I saw was garbage along the sidewalk. I almost regretted not bringing along a garbage bag to pick it all up.

When someone throws there garbage on the ground, they don't realize how much that effects EVERYONE, let alone our mother earth :( and she's lashing back at us with all these horrible storms which will only continue to get worse if we keep going at this rate. It's scary to think about.

So the next day I decided that I would spend my morning picking a street and pick up garbage anywhere that I found it. I put on all my necessary gear(gloves, sun screen) and some garbage bags and of course, my ipod :) 

:( tons of stuff like this stuffed into bushes

Literally found like ten of these in the same area! someone was thirsty! haha

and another...

Almost didn't see ya there! ha! 

Beads? really?

I got down and dirty! haha 

However, through all that garbage, there peeks a beautifully colored flower :)

The end product :) 

Yup, I'm a "tree huger" haha 

Then after all this, I went to hot yoga and felt soooooo unbelievably great and so strong.  I want to dedicate at least one day off that I have of work a week to going out there and cleaning our streets. Might not be MUCH but it's SOMETHING and for me, that's good enough :)