YTT, Hockey, and much love!

Let's see, since my last post(I know it's been so long, I have no internet right now so, I can only post when I get the opportunity to) many events have happened. I graduated from my 200hr Yoga Teacher Training so now I am able to work as a yoga instructor! How exciting!!!

Here is my lovely class! It's so amazing how close we grew :) 

more about these wonderful people later 

I still have some issues with confidence and my teaching but I know it's in me to do it. I just need to find that groove and just go with it! :) As frustrating as it is, I know I'll get there in time, when it's right for me. During our last class we each got to share a reflection of our experience with this Yoga Teacher Training. At first, I had no idea what I was going to say but then I realized that no matter what I said, everyone would be understanding. So, I shared that I had been going through depression for the past few years and coming to this class has made me feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there were days when I didn't want to come to class but that when I did, they brought me back to life. They made me feel and experience the happy part of myself and it was such a weight off my shoulder, that even for three hours, two nights a week, I could relax. It was the energy of these individuals. They know the vulnerable side of me and I felt secure among them and like I was apart of something wonderful. I was very, very scared to share something that personal to SO many people but they aren't just ANYBODY, I shared time and space with them for six months and that means something to me, it means that they're close enough to me to know something that personal, they held me up and supported me when I felt I couldn't. I love them so much and hope the best for them! I hope we don't lose contact and continue to share the love. 

This is from one of our outings :) We went to this bar to celebrate and we were all

dressed in our yoga clothes hahaha it was so much fun! 

From left to right: Jaime, who's cut off in this picture, she's so funny and I love her voice! it's so calming. She's helped me uncover alittle more of my confidence and encourages me.

Staci, with her amazing smile, who has been with me since our orientation about two weeks or something like that before class even started. She always makes me smile and makes me feel so welcome. Her energy is amazing and she has the cutest Texas accent! 

Serena, who is so wise! and looks 20 years younger than her actual age! she looks amazing! We share a special connection :) 

Nicole, she's hilarious! i love her laugh! and she's so authentic. She's helped me learn to not be afraid to say how I feel and just be ME.

Allicia, I didn't think she liked me in the beginning haha but recently we've really came out of our shells and are more acquainted. She has great style and is a very strong person. You would be shocked to know her age as well. We all didn't believe her haha! 

Annie, so down to earth! and always greeted me with such exuberant energy, I hope to embody her enthusiasm. 

AND, Travis, he's so... what's the word....? FREE. and his hair looks amazing hahaha He recently just decided to quit his job, just like THAT. He inspires me so much and has given me so much advice and support. 

Travis was proud of this picture hahaha 

I've gravitated towards this group (there are a few who weren't in this picture) I thought I would say something about them just to show how much I appreciate them and what they have done for me. And this goes for ALL my yoga peeps! I have learned from all of them. My angels :) I've learned that living with depression, you need to go out, be around great company, laugh and have fun! and just let everything go. They helped me do that. Laughter is the greatest medicine, and I truly believe that. 

I am also going to go see a doctor because I think it's alittle more than I can try and fix, I need more concrete answers to what's going on. I was against seeing a doctor because I was worried I would be addicted to medication but someone very special to me, a mentor of mine, Stuart, helped me put perspective on the idea that I need SPACE to help me deal and evaluate my depression. I can't fight depression while being depressed. My mind was so opened after my conversation with him. 

I got the courage to reach out to one person before this, this person brought me hope and HUGGED me and told me everything would be ok. She's my star who never gave up offering her help and continuously asks me how I am doing. 

I only shared this with my best friend, Angelica and my mom, they were the only people in my life who knew how severe it was. I didn't want to make a scene and tell everyone because I didn't want to bring anyone down with me or become a burden. I now know that SHARING how you feel with the people closest to you is very important for recovery. Holding things in will not help you, but will make you sink. 

Move your body, dance like a CRAZY person if it makes you feel good :) 

If you have a dance party, invite me! I'll be there! they are SO much fun haha 

Get some sun, the greatest, all natural type of medicine. 

I'll be posting some yoga poses that have helped me feel better when I'm feeling really down and I hope it helps someone out there :) 

I also attended my first Hockey game!!! it was the best thing ever! 

A fight broke out!!! hahaha Silly 

We got amazing seats 

Unfortunately, my Coyotes lost this game :( 

Lastly, I got a new kitty :) I named her Leila (LEE-la) She's such a cuddle bug and I love her haha my friends call me the cat lady. 

Thank you for letting my share my story, well, ANOTHER part of my story haha. Hold space in your heart for others who need it. Hug them as much as possible and comfort them. From my heart to yours.... <3  

~Drew 

come together

    I'm learning a lot with this nutrition class that I'm taking. I'm learning how to feed myself and how to help others as well. I'm so interested in it! I have this huge text book and I want to read it from cover to cover! I just need to find the time hahaha. I've learned that everything has and corresponds to energy. It's amazing! I started gave gratitude before eating and there was such a difference in how I felt afterwards. Your food knows and feels the gratitude and thank you back by nourishing your body :) So beautiful.There's a documentary out called The Secret Message of Water, I think that's the name, and the author talks about how water, even the water in our bodies react to negative and positive words that we speak. So if you're mad at someone, or yell at them, you're really just hurting yourself, all those negative vibrations are going through your body and effecting it. So, i'm practicing being mindful to everyone because even those that are mean, need the extra compassion and positive thoughts. This, I know may be difficult, but practice makes perfect. <3
   My teacher training is going great. I just finished the second part of my training and next step is teaching! Ah! I'm nervous but WAY more confident this time around. And I'm so excited at the same time. I have all these ideas and themes that I can teach, I just need to put it in a sequence and BAM! I got myself a yoga class hahaha
    This past weekend I had a Hynotherapy class which was all weekend. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is my second weekend doing this class which is the 200 hour class and then next will be my 300 hour and then i'll be certified and helping the public! How exciting! I learned a lot in this class as well and the cool part is you learn so much more about yourself. My teacher brought something great to my attention, he said, "there is no failure, just feedback." If we don't do something right then we learn from it and try again, and again and again if we need to. Don't give up. I've felt the need to give up, especially when I didn't teach right the first time, but it was my first experience and I tried again and did even BETTER. Giving up may seem like the way out but it's not. It digs you deeper.
    I saw couple of friends a couple of weeks ago, who I hadn't seen in a long time. I had fun, laughed a lot and caught up. But the one reason I hate to see friends that I haven't seen in along time is that the first thing they tell me is, "wow, you've gained weight." this, I hear constantly. Or, "what have you been eating." I told him that this was me now and that I was growing up (he hadn't seen me since I was about 18, I'm now 20) I was very skinny back then because I hardly ate anything, just fruit every now and then, He responded with, "yeah you have." I just laughed it off and didn't let it bother me and I thought it didn't. I think I just blocked it because yesterday, I just started crying out of no where and criticizing myself. I was in class and it just wasn't the right time. I'm just trying to be ok with this and I'm sabotaging myself for what someone else said. Another thing is, we should really watch out for what we say because we don't know what someone is going through and how they might take our words. BE MINDFUL. I started this cleanse because I wanted to start over and just let my body heal from all the stuff that I've put it through and I wanted more energy. When we eat solid food, out body takes most of our energy to digest our food which is why sometimes if we eat too much at one time, we feel we need a nap.
    At first, this was only my intention, but I will be honest, waaaaaaay back in my mind, it was to lose weight. I did 3 days of this "only liquids" cleanse, today is day 4 and i'm no longer hungry anymore. I'm really trying to fix the way I am. I still have this huge amount of love for life and the people around me, just myself that I'm not giving love to, positive thoughts to, patience. Yesterday after class, I just wanted to talk to someone, someone that would listen, not judge, someone that could connect with and who knew what I was going through. Looking through my contact list, I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel so alone, so contained in this box. And it's so frustrating not being able to do something that I want to. I don't feel comfortable even talking to my family because I feel like it's something they've heard so many times that it's a burden, I guess i can understand. I'm grateful though, to have the courage to share how I feel on here and in someway communicate with people here who might have the same challenges in life and who feel all alone and in a way we can be together and lean on each other when we feel weak. Everything doesn't last forever, the most important thing is that I'm looking for a way to heal myself. I feel like i'm on the right path. I want to travel and be free, free from myself mostly haha and to find myself in this big world. However, my place isn't here...

I'm lookin' up though :) 

Well, I got THAT down, what next??

About a week ago, I was assisting a yoga class, and my teacher let me guide the class through a pose. I had done this already once before and was SO nervous! I even messed up my lefts and rights! I was like, "ok take your right foot, I mean left, oh, I mean right." hahaha I laughed about it later on though. So this time, my teacher asked what pose I wanted to teach and I was going to back out and ask if I could just assist and not teach but something came over me and this burst of confidence appeared and I decided right when he asked, that I was GOING to teach because running away won't help. I need to face this low self esteem issue NOW. I decided to give the previous pose I taught another shot. I was so calm... I mean, at times, for like a second, my heart would start going alittle faster but I took deep breathes and told myself, "You got this. You know the pose and you can teach it." Just like that, I calmed down and before I knew it, my teacher let me assume the seat of the teacher and I taught! It was so smooth! I was hearing my voice echo on the walls of the class and thought, "hey! that's me!! wow! I'm doing this!" I even made alternate suggestions. I taught the Tree pose which requires some balance so I suggested the wall if anyone needed it. I looked around, made sure everyone was alright and actually OBSERVED what I was teaching. Usually I would be so nervous that I'd sound like an automated system! hahaha The teacher is coming out! and the confidence, the peace, this whole other person that I've kept under wraps until now. Someone even came up to me after class and said that I did a great job! I was all smiles.... until I had to come to work.... hahaha but even then, I was convinced that this is what I'm meant to do. I'm taking this seriously. I FEEL every class I take, I'm CHALLENGING my mind and body. I just feel connected. You know how you just LOVE something so much that it might as well be a body part you absolutely need otherwise, you'd be nothing? That's what this brings to me and it brings me such happiness.

The pose I taught, it's harder to teach than it looks! haha :) 

Me, doing Tree Pose, sorry, I had to steal this from my Twitter haha 

I have been observing my thoughts these past couple of days, and just trying to filter through what goes on in there because trust me, my mind is ALWAYS going. I can get so lost in my own mind that I can "disappear" and have to force myself to come back to the NOW. I can literally tune things out, and hear nothing but what's going on in my mind. I'm also working on grounding myself and living in the present, not the past or the future. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but it's like when you're talking to someone and they look so absent minded and then you say, "hello, are you there?? I just asked you a question??" and all they can say is, "Oh! yeah.... what was that again?" hahaha ok, so I'm a really good listener when people talk to me, but this happens to me at the worst times, like when I'm driving! I know! it's terrible. I'm working on it though, promise. Anyway, getting off topic, so like I said before, I've been evaluating my thoughts and so far what I can tell, is I have good thoughts, but not so much towards myself. And this, I've concluded has contributing to my eating disorder. (I wasn't sure if I wanted to share this but hey, this is cleansing, and no one is perfect.) I've been eating more mindfully, ok, except for the chocolate! it's just so gooooood! hahaha I'm taking a nutrition class and so far, I am ECSTATIC! I can't be this inspiring, healthy teacher with an eating disorder. That just does not click with me. I want to be HEALTHY, not obsessed, ashamed or depressed about how I look. You are what you think you are. It's all in the mind. Change the way you think and you change your life. If you wake up and tell yourself, "today is going to be a bad day, I just know it." You're telling your mind and body this, not to mention all the cells, organs and nerves within you. They obey what your mind tells it and guess what, a bad day is what you'll have! I can't keep blaming my dad for my body issues because he would always call my mom horrible names and throw her insecurities in her face when we were younger and I was so worried that that would happen to me, that I would end up with someone who didn't like the way I looked. I am now old enough to know that not all people are the same, not all GUYS are the same. I will find someone who loves me for me :) because I won't accept anything less. I am where I am right now, working through this challenge and winning this battle. I am accepting myself alittle more everyday, becoming comfortable and secure. I still hate to wear fitted shirts and still wear sweaters or cardigans but i'm working on the inside first :) one step at a time. There is a solution out there, I found the door, now i'm looking for the key to unlock it :)

Namaste!! <3

~DJG

I don't really know what to call this one

You know, when I started doing yoga, I thought it was strictly a physical exercise, never did I ever think there was something spiritual or really anything relaxing about it. But here I am today, learning all these forms of relaxations and trying to find something to believe in, even if it's myself. 

Everyone has there own reason for doing yoga, whether it be to be less stressed, for silence, for reflection or exercise and sometimes, all the above. We all make our own intentions. When I decided to do yoga for the first time, I'll be honest, it was to lose weight. As time went by and I discovered this whole other world, this whole other attitude, this whole other PERSON in me. I had uncovered another part of myself which has always been apart of me from the beginning. Yes, I know I'm only 20 and still very young but you know what I mean haha. I honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't discovered yoga and it scares me to think what I would have done if I hadn't decided to join the Fit Club in high school. I was just very sad before. 

I'm very grateful that I decided to take my love for yoga to another level and do a teacher training program where I'm on the second level, the part where I assist teachers during classes. I did my first assist today and I was so nervous! I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or push them to there limit. I know what i'm doing and I've taken many yoga classes before so I know what to look for and what adjustments to make it's just that my MIND makes me think otherwise and I second guess myself. I'm gentle and not very persistent anyway so I thought I did a good job for it being my first time and I didn't have any bad feedback from the teacher so as far as I know, I did a good job and I'm excited to assist another class tomorrow! 

Sometimes I wish I was this fearless person who doesn't think twice and could just DO IT! Like some of the other wonderful women and men that I know. But maybe this is me, maybe I'm just this shy, quiet, stand in the back and observe kind of girl. Sometimes I'm ok with this and sometimes it just frustrates me. I love how I am and I think if I were any other way, it wouldn't be ME. But there's a voice inside me, it's there, I know it is. When will it come out? Is it ME that's keeping it shoved inside because I'm AFRAID? Afraid of what other people might think? Afraid of what might come out? I have no idea. However, another concept I'm taking out of this teacher training is to get to know myself better and to have a better relationship with myself because i'm constantly fighting myself. Everyday it's something. Lately I've been able to cultivate a smile, a real smile, not just a cover up and it made me think that the extensive work that I'm putting into myself is working and that I'm starting to find a balance, especially with all the negative stuff that I put myself through. "Even when there are all these negative things going on around you, try to find even a little bit of peace, and hold on to it." :) I've stuck with this for a very long time and so far, it's helped me.

I'm just struggling trying to find my voice. I'm not going to push it because maybe one day I'll just be fed up and who knows, it might be the time I SPEAK up and I won't feel like I need anyone's permission to do something, I'll just be FEARLESS and do it! And I don't mean that I feel like I'm depending on everyone to make my decisions because I am independent, but I'm going to be completely honest with myself, I am a COMPLETE push over. I always back down, like I said before, I never SPEAK UP. Always worried I'll hurt someone's feelings or they'll be mad at me because of a decision I decided to make for MYSELF. ALWAYS putting EVERYONE before myself and I'm so tired of it. I just want to be happy and stop living with worry. It's so emotionally exhausting, it's so exhausting that I'm crying while typing this, all these emotions are just coming out. I just want to live for myself . I NEED to. I can't go on like this any longer. Send me all your loving energy, please. I would just love to feel the support for once... If you did happen read all this, thank you for letting me express myself in the only way I really feel comfortable.... Until next time.

light and LOVE 

Drew 

My First Teaching Experience

In my yoga teacher training, I am in the second level where we actually assist a yoga teacher in a class. In the first level, we only observed a class. So today, we were put into groups of three: there was the observer, the student and the teacher. We each got ten minutes to teach, observe and be the student. Now, when my teacher told us that we would have the opportunity to teach our classmates, I froze... I kind of have stage fright, so teaching wasn't really an option when I was younger. When I'm put on the spot, this is what happens to me, every sound quiets in the room, I can hear my heart pounding through my ears and my throat all of the sudden becomes dry. I then feel discouraged and want to hide. Then, my mind goes blank and everything that I have ever learned, suddenly goes missing. I guess I just feel, or fear that I will be judged and not taken seriously. I calmed myself down and just took it one step at a time...

When I was telling and trying to describe the poses to my classmate,(we had to teach a sun salutation which is approximately twelve poses for just one sun salutation) I kept stumbling through my words and then I couldn't describe how to transition from one pose to the next. The point of the exercise was to try to find our voice and to properly and clearly describe how to do the pose because a beginner will be very confused and we need to talk them through it. The hard part was that we were only aloud to talk, we couldn't do the poses as we spoke. I know this would make it easier, but when I become a teacher, I have to be the teacher as well as the observer so doing the poses would distract me from observing.

I didn't have a very hard time but I felt discouraged... and almost like I couldn't do it... I moved through the poses as smoothly as I could. I also think that I am VERY overcritical of myself and I am so harsh to myself that anything I do, isn't good enough. I fear failure so I have to do it perfect the first time, otherwise it's over. This isn't being true to myself. I need to take it one step at a time because practice makes perfect. I need to realize and remember that EVERYONE is different. I just can't wait to find my own unique voice during this journey and finding out what kind of teacher I will be. I know I can do this. I just need to step out of my comfort zone to find myself. I love going to class because it takes me out of my realm and into a new world, a world that I love and appreciate so much. I'm glad to have been brought here and guided by these wonderful mentors I have as teachers. My time will come. I just need to find my VOICE! :)

Light and love,

Drew

So, I've been thinking...

Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress and for the longest time, the only way I dealt with my stress, was going to yoga. I wouldn't talk to anyone. I believe that a good way to relieve yourself of burdens is by talking to someone that you can trust. It's not that I couldn't trust anyone, I guess I just didn't want to seem weak but I'm human. Even the strongest of individuals have weaknesses and worries. So, even if I'm unable to SPEAK of my worries, I thought, why not blog and vent on here. Surely what I may not be able to speak, perhaps I can type. I just got done talking to a close and long time friend of mine and we were just venting to each other. I love talking to her because we have very similar problems, especially with our families, and talking to someone is great, but talking to someone who knows exactly how you feel, makes it 10x better.

My longest problem has been money. I know, who hasn't had this issue since the economy plummeted?? I honestly hate to desire more money, but I'm honestly living from pay check to pay check. Sometimes I almost go into a panic attach. It frustrates me that I can't even afford something to drink at work or even afford to go out and watch a movie. I work retail, and even that should be enough said, but it's tough. The stress and having to deal with the worst of people can take a toll on yourself. I want to make something better of myself but even going to school right now scares me so much. I'm worried I won't be able to get enough hours at work to pay rent and other bills because of my school hours. Where is the balance??? And I'm worried that if I do get a new job, will they be as lenient with my schedule? I have seniority at my job right now and they're understanding with school and whatnot. Or am I just not really looking for a new job because I'm comfortable where I'm at right now?

On the other hand, I also have a very interesting job. I work with GREAT people that always make me laugh. And I also meet interesting people. Not all of them are horrible. Even when I do get a horrible customer, I can vent to my co-workers because they know exactly what this is like! I work for a strong company, but we sure as hell don't get paid enough for the stuff we have to deal with. And my bills get paid, I can just never do anything else! Work, home, school, sleep. Then I wake up and do it all over again. "I'm living, but I'm not alive." That's what my friend tells me all the time. hahaha and it's the truth! I've been this way since I was 16 but even then it was easier because I was living at home and to be honest, if I could, I would still be living at home. I would be less stressed and have more time and money for ME. For all my young folks that are still at home, stay there as long as you can and save as much as you can. It would be the best thing you could ever do for yourself and will be more prepared for the future. Don't get me wrong, I love my independence and the fact that EVERYTHING I have right now, I bought on my own with no help whatsoever, so I almost can't fail because if I do, then my whole life goes up in flames and then I'll lose everything I worked so hard for. I've accomplished alot already, so I shouldn't take things so lightly like I tend to do sometimes. Everything is a process, this is another process that I'm having to go through, however, this has been going on for FOREVER it feels like haha. I guess I'm just waiting for my door, or window to open, but I feel like I'm walking in the dark!

I'm determined to find out where I fit in in this world! I WILL find that door....or window... or whatever is waiting for me! I may be shy but when I get determined, I'll do anything. This is a hard time for me and sure, I get sad and sometimes even deeply depressed because of these situation and family problems that just pull me down but the reality is, this is it. Without the hard times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate and value the good times I have.

Whew! feeling better already! Thanks for reading this! I feel like a weight has already been lifted off my shoulders and my mind is alittle more clear!

until next time,
Namaste a todos :)

What will next year bring??

For starters, plans never go as they should for me haha so I'm just going to sort of set a "tone" for the New Year and build from that! It's more my style, anyway. This coming up year, I am hoping will be much better, however, I think we all are, right? I can't say that this past year was absolutely terrible because a lot of the stuff that has happened is part of growing... I've said to myself that I wish I could be 30 already and have everything figured out, have my career and maybe even a husband but as it is, I am here, 20, and confused! i find clarity and strength at random times but then, something else pops up and then it's back to the drawing board! I always stick with consistency in my life, with pretty much everything....work, daily routine etc. I'm fairly predictable. I always have fear in my mind, always AFRAID to advance or always AFRAID of change. This annoys me but I am nurturing this aspect of myself and teaching myself that it's ok to let go... I am getting ready to move to another apartment and hopefully with a new environment and new slate, I can unlock another blockage that crowds my mind. This year I want to experience something new, but for reals this time. I always say this and it never happens. A commitment forever on hold haha c'mon, I know everyone has them! Maybe get a new job, step out of my comfort zone, start to love and appreciate myself instead of looking for others to see the beauty in me, start to truly depend on myself in every way instead of hoping my parents will change and actually treat all of us equally. Time is precious! I don't want to waste it! and my time is going by fast!

Before I know it, I'll be a yoga instructor! I don't have very much to go! This excites me then again I am soooooo very nervous! I know about yoga, not everything but the basics and I could talk about it all day! But when it comes to teaching people, I freeze and all knowledge goes out the window. This semester that just ended I was put in a group with two other classmates and we were assigned a yoga history element. We had to research it and then present it. I'm not a huge fan of doing group projects because my schedule is all over the place and to meet up would be next to impossible. But when I would think about standing in front of everyone, I would kind of panic, kind of. There is just something that was holding me back: FEAR! of course... I was scared that I would forget what I was talking about, stumble or maybe trip, of sounding too boring, or if they were looking at my colorful socks instead of listening to me. I was honestly just over thinking everything. We ended up getting everything finished and when I was standing in front of everyone, I  would look up and see everyone... this felt invigorating, I don't know if it was the energy from everyone or what but I felt how it would be teaching, with everyone's attention. I want to be inspiring to my students.... I have some amazing teachers and even the teachers that I have in this teacher training are so awesome! They "wow" me and inspire me to be the best that I can be and I hope to one day get to that level of comfortable knowledge. Of course I will always want to continue to learn but I want to get to that point where I can answer questions and be sure of them. So, another thing to add to the list is CONFIDENCE. If I'm not confident, how is anyone going to trust my class? or even themselves IN my class?? You're right, they won't.

Work is consuming every part of me and I feel like I'm getting no where... but it's not true, because everyday something interesting happens and I find that stern, confident person inside of me. Since I work in retail, I built that confidence over the years. But I need to make this promise to myself  TODAY, that I will do something that's for me everyday. Whether that be reading, drawing, turning off my phone and having silence, anything that helps me recharge. because I can't be this worn out this early in life, can I? Well, I guess anything is possible... I'll tell you what, I'm not having too much fun. But I'm finding the little things that DO make me happy and that do make the work worth all the trouble. I have to do what I have to do. I find relief and "light" with yoga, I truly do. So that's where I'll start. I'm signing off, talk to you all later!

Light and love, Drew